The story of how I became a math major

I will talk about how I became a math major and the circumstances that led to it.

As I was getting a screenshot of my COR and covering my ID Number because of privacy reasons, I was debating whether or not to cover my CGPA too. It's not information that can be used for identity theft, so why hide it? I realized that what I'm feeling is SHAME.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Yes, my Cumulative GPA is 1.95267. Yes, I didn’t get a Latin honor. Some of my professors were surprised because they assumed that I did.

I think it’s time to share what I’m ashamed about publicly so that it doesn’t have this power on me anymore.

So what happened? 

In the summer of 2010, I got hooked on PBB. I got invested in one of James Reid's loveteams. I was eighteen then. My teenage brain couldn't help but get attached to these personalities who weren't even aware of my existence. Now I know that there's a term for this attachment — parasocial relationship. I was watching live streams religiously as if it was my job to do so. Doing the same thing repeatedly for 60 days pretty much made it a habit. And you can’t kick a bad habit that easily.

June of 2010 came and I wasn't ready to move on just yet. I was dragging my feet to go to school to enroll. And when I overcame inertia and eventually did enroll, it was two months later when I attended classes. Ting-prelims na! So obviously I failed the prelims and all the subsequent exams after that.

My blockmates let me photocopy their notes to help me catch up. But it was too late. You can't cram two months of material in one night. Maybe in high school but not in college.

I was overconfident. I used to study last minute in my first two years because eh, it was stock knowledge anyway. We used to study this in high school. But this attitude backfired. I failed four classes that semester. 

It was the late Dr. Tee who informed me that I was advised to transfer to another program. I was kicked out from the BS Physics program basically. I lost my DOST scholarship and was put on an academic probation.

He was gently telling me this. I held myself together and just when he was done telling me what to do next, I started getting emotional. Before anyone could see, I rushed to the CR and cried. I gave myself a few minutes to calm down. Then walked out of there as if nothing happened. 

But I needed it. I needed that wake up call. I had no one else to blame but myself. I was not thinking of the consequences of my actions (or inaction for that matter).

The only remaining problem was how to tell my parents. I needed to ask for money for my tuition because my scholarship was terminated. I didn’t want to be a financial burden to my parents but I had to. Otherwise, I wouldn’t finish college. I waited a few days to work up the courage to tell them the bad news but when I finally did I was surprised to find that they took it pretty well. Their reaction was not even close to the worst that I imagined. 

Now which program should I transfer to? Dr. Tee advised that I could transfer to the BSE Physics program. But that would delay me by a year. Hmm. I looked at my program of study and realized that the BS Physics and BS Math programs are almost identical for the first two years. 

I then walked up the stairs to the Math Department and asked Dr. Jamil, the Department Chairman then, if I could transfer to the BS Math program. He accepted me without hesitation. Maybe the fact that he was our PMO coach in high school helped. He knew that I was mathematically capable.

So that's the story of how I became a math major and how I navigated the physical world of physics to the abstract world of mathematics. Looking back at it, I was always good at math. I just never really thought of it as a career.

It took me a few years to truly process what happened — why it was hard for me to deal with these failures. My whole life I was an achiever. When that was no longer true, what am I anymore?

I realized that my identity should not be tied to my achievements — that I am enough without these awards and accolades. I am not advocating for mediocrity since I can be pretty ambitious myself. Yes, pursue excellence but take care of your mental health too. Balance accountability with self-care.

As I start my journey as a PhD Math student, this is something that I should always remember. Obstacles are there to help me grow, not hinder me. Fixing mistakes builds character. A little bit of impostor syndrome is actually good. It keeps me on my toes and keeps me from being complacent.

I also realized that I'm better at mathematical problem solving than real-life problem solving. I don't know if it's a bug or a feature. But the gap is getting closer now. I used to hate uncertainty because I don’t like not knowing what comes next. Now I embrace it. It is part of our lives now, especially during these times. I should accept it and work with it rather than deny it.