Skip to main content

I don't want to remember

I noticed that my last post is about love. My last two posts actually. Let's change that. It may look like last year was so full of love but that's not really true. Historical, yes. Challenging, that too. So many things happened last year. I quit my job. I committed fully to my PhD program. Coronavirus was disruptive. Classes were done online. Zoom classes became the norm.

Anyway, I decided that I will not anymore write a reflection or year-end review for 2020. Because it's like scratching a still tender wound. I'll do it when this is all over. But I'm not really in the right mind space to celebrate or to sit back and reminisce. Because the thing that I'm reminiscing is the same thing that I'm feeling right now. Anxiety. Uncertainty.

So much has happened. And I'm glad that I came out of it intact. Remembering it is like experiencing it all over again and I don't want that. So I'll just let it be. Maybe I can look at it again after ten years. And then I'll laugh about it. But now I'm so in it that it's not funny. It's still very fresh. And the things that I was afraid of are still very much the same.

So yeah. I will still document but I won't synthesize. I'll look back whenever it's relevant and when I'm ready. But that's about it.

Let's move forward.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

This is the greatest love story ever told (and still being written). And I’m living in it! Since this blog has been instrumental in making it happen, it’s only fitting that I post it here. And so when people (me included) think it happened so fast, it’s actually years in the making. Having this blog fast tracked the “getting to know” stage. At least, that’s the logical part of me talking. But love is rarely logical.  How it started A day after final exams for the summer term of AY 2023-2024, I received a bunch of anonymous emails. At first, I shrugged it off as a newsletter that I signed up to. A couple emails later, it became clear that it came from one of my former students. Didn’t know it was her until August 2nd. Realized feelings were mutual the day after. Made the relationship official on August 7th. I was the one who asked because “she didn’t wanna cross the line”.  I used to say, in this blog , that I’m only interested in how couples get together, not really what’s ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Happy new year!

I'm done with the dissertation. I sent it to my adviser and I'm just waiting for his feedback. This past month has been tough. I realized that I couldn't make it to the deadline. I could not graduate this semester. My break was not fun. It was no break at all. But it's over now. And strangely, I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do with my free time? Guess I gotta find a job soon.
Post a Comment
Read more

A letter to my future self

A letter to myself (written Nov 2021) *** You probably heard by now. The result of the comprehensive exams. And I'm going to influence that (whatever it is). You're probably angry with me because I slacked off. I continue to procrastinate because I haven't been punished yet. I hope I don't get punished. You're going to take the brunt of that. It's weird talking to you (myself) like this. I know I'm already behind. I don't know where to start. Where to prioritize. I can't afford to go slow. But I also can't panic. I hope I don't panic tomorrow. I know I've been selfish. Talking about myself like this. What about you? I hope you get the favorable outcome that you wanted. I haven't been helpful on that front. But I will still try. No matter how small time there is left. If I'm able to pull this off, I hope you give your best in your research! Show them what you're made of! That's the only consolation for the anguish that this...
Post a Comment
Read more