Janeth Canama

Why am I bothered by Laggies ? So much so that I don’t like finishing it? I guess the main character is about to make wrong decisions. And that gives me anxiety. I’m screaming at the screen, “No! Don’t do that”. But of course, they still do. Of course. I already know how this is gonna end. Why does it bother me so much when technically she’s not doing anything wrong? Oh yes, she’s gonna hurt her fiance when she inevitably breaks off their engagement. And? I don’t know. As I said, I don’t like it when characters make wrong decisions.  She’s running away because she discovered that her father is having an affair. And instead of confronting him, she’s living with a teenager and her dad. And of course, she’s gonna fall in love with the dad. Predictable. I guess I just don’t like it when I don’t have control over things. The question is: will my worrying ever change the outcome? No. Definitely not. It’s all predetermined. But why am I worried on behalf of the main character? Even if she...

The blank page Staring at me like that Taunting me What do you know, bitch? Do you have anything to say? Or are you as clueless as everyone else? You think you can create something new Tough luck, there’s nothing new under the sun Why are you so aggressive? I’m just expressive I just don’t know how to get started I’m stumped That’s bullshit A piece of excrement You’re just waiting For inspiration to strike When all along You have the inspiration like a song Huh? That doesn’t make sense Full of rhyme but no reason An aimless warrior with no compass Running around with nowhere to run Well at least it got you going Slinging mud on the wall Hoping something sticks Having fun but no utility What is this obsession with utility? Why not just sling mud for its own sake? Get messy for no other reason but fun itself Okay, you had fun! That’s what matters Does it matter if it helps anyone? The one you should help is yourself I really don’t know what I’m talking about I’m just shouting at the sky ...

Did you really digest that? Or it just went through your digestive system Unscathed With barely a scratch Soul intact In one ear, out the other Useless like junk food It’s like the difference between listening and hearing Or noticing and seeing Which is better? Trying and bleeding Should everything be effortful? I don’t think so But clearly there’s a correlation Between effort and comprehension It’s not enough to know its name Do you know its essence? Have you tried turning it over see if it cries? What makes it alive?

You say you appreciate ordinary things ordinary people living ordinary lives How come you actively search for things that will blow your mind? Will you please choose one and decide? What's wrong with wanting to see both the mundane and profundity? I don't see where the conflict lie It's the yin and yang of life Always searching, always looking Are you ever satisfied, darling? Aren't you tired of searching playing, skipping, and sighing? What is it that you're looking for, exactly? I'm not sure to be honest It varies by the minute Creativity, spontaneity, vulnerability Productivity, poetry, comedy Anything that satisfies my fancy Well, I hope you find it, my friend Know that you may forever be searching Doesn't matter if information or distraction As long as that is your own volition --- This post was inspired partly by the song Ordinary People by John Legend .

I wrote this piece after my first year of teaching. I was anxious about performance evaluations. As early as 2018, I was already deliberating the idea of pursuing a PhD. I just didn't act on it immediately because I thought that the situation will improve. That I will improve. It's enlightening and humbling. Hacking yourself is hard It's true that we care about what others think than what we think We care for others more than we care for ourselves We give a shit about our other people's opinions or well-being than our own Anyway Today I had a breakthrough I don’t know if breakthrough is the right word But I decided to just spew out my thoughts I just had to do it I was restless these past few days Weeks months I feel like I'm having a hard time adjusting to my job Which I think should be Must be expected I just did not expect it to be this hard (drama) Really I was not prepared for this But that's life We are never prepared for what's...

Legend: Module - black, Vector space - blue --- What do you have that I don't have, huh? I have unity, you see this gives me harmony and self-reflection, squee! Oh, I can look at a mirror just fine self-reflection is my jam, alright No, you don't get it every member of our company has their soulmate, you see this promotes harmony and loyalty to the company Correction, except one and zero they don't have a partner, no? Oh, one is by fine by itself my self-sufficient independent introvert that brings all the guys together harmony is his middle name How about zero, huh? Oh yeah! the pesky zero.. don't tell them I said that it has a penchant for destruction nobody can stand him he just absorbs their energies somehow yeah, you're right everybody but zero has a partner everybody else is fine Too bad, my zero acts the same occupational hazard, I guess You know what, I actually envy you What? How? You see, you can actually let more people in the misfits, the outsiders who d...

I was just thinking how i'm overthinking about overthinking. like i know i overthink. i know i don't get a lot done because i overthink how i'm gonna do it and i know that one of way of doing that... one way of really getting past procrastination is to break it down into steps and just get started because if you get started then it will always linger that you have some task that you have not yet finished and that will always always make you anxious there's a nagging feeling that you have not finished something that you've started so just get started give yourself say a minute to start the task just one minute what's one minute, anyway? then worry about finishing it later there are chances that you might like it so much that you will end up finishing it in one seating -- This post was written on December 30, 2018. The simplest way to overcome excuses is to set a timer for one minute (or maybe five?) and go do.