Skip to main content

Looking back to gain perspective (March 2018)

I wrote this piece after my first year of teaching. I was anxious about performance evaluations. As early as 2018, I was already deliberating the idea of pursuing a PhD. I just didn't act on it immediately because I thought that the situation will improve. That I will improve. It's enlightening and humbling.


Hacking yourself is hard
It's true that we care about what others think than what we think
We care for others more than we care for ourselves
We give a shit about our other people's opinions or well-being than our own

Anyway
Today I had a breakthrough
I don’t know if breakthrough is the right word
But
I decided to just spew out my thoughts
I just had to do it

I was restless these past few days
Weeks months
I feel like I'm having a hard time adjusting to my job
Which I think should be
Must be expected

I just did not expect it to be this hard (drama)
Really
I was not prepared for this
But that's life
We are never prepared for what's to come

I also decided that
I must change my perspective on things
My workload has been tough
But
I think I just was not used to it
Nabag-uhan lang siguro ko

 Its tough man
But I can get through this
I will get through this
The past few months has been a huge learning experience for me
And although I'm not really sure what my next step is gonna be
No
I actually know exactly what my next step is gonna be
I just can't declare it publicly yet
But I have plans
And I will execute on them
But for now
I just have to focus on what's in front of me
I learned a lot about myself to be honest
About my strengths and weaknesses
This has been challenging
But
The satisfaction of sharing something
Or teaching about something that I'm passionate about
Is I think worth all the troubles
Worth doing all the other unpleasant parts of the job

I'm glad that the school year is ending
At the same time I feel that I was not able to give my best
I am discontented with my preparations
With my teaching performance
With my energy
And I feel like I can do so much better
It's true
I have so much room for improvement

The future is uncertain
But
I am about 90 percent sure of my next step
I am not discounting the possibility of staying
I guess we'll see what the result of my performance evaluation will be
I am hopeful that I will improve next year

I guess that question is
Will it be worth it?
Is doing the things that I think are not as exciting as planning a lesson
Or delivering a lesson
Or participating in a math contest
Worth staying one more year?
That's the ultimate question
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

This is the greatest love story ever told (and still being written). And I’m living in it! Since this blog has been instrumental in making it happen, it’s only fitting that I post it here. And so when people (me included) think it happened so fast, it’s actually years in the making. Having this blog fast tracked the “getting to know” stage. At least, that’s the logical part of me talking. But love is rarely logical.  How it started A day after final exams for the summer term of AY 2023-2024, I received a bunch of anonymous emails. At first, I shrugged it off as a newsletter that I signed up to. A couple emails later, it became clear that it came from one of my former students. Didn’t know it was her until August 2nd. Realized feelings were mutual the day after. Made the relationship official on August 7th. I was the one who asked because “she didn’t wanna cross the line”.  I used to say, in this blog , that I’m only interested in how couples get together, not really what’s ...
Post a Comment
Read more

I can't finish watching Laggies...

Why am I bothered by Laggies ? So much so that I don’t like finishing it? I guess the main character is about to make wrong decisions. And that gives me anxiety. I’m screaming at the screen, “No! Don’t do that”. But of course, they still do. Of course. I already know how this is gonna end. Why does it bother me so much when technically she’s not doing anything wrong? Oh yes, she’s gonna hurt her fiance when she inevitably breaks off their engagement. And? I don’t know. As I said, I don’t like it when characters make wrong decisions.  She’s running away because she discovered that her father is having an affair. And instead of confronting him, she’s living with a teenager and her dad. And of course, she’s gonna fall in love with the dad. Predictable. I guess I just don’t like it when I don’t have control over things. The question is: will my worrying ever change the outcome? No. Definitely not. It’s all predetermined. But why am I worried on behalf of the main character? Even if she...
Post a Comment
Read more

Anthem by Ayn Rand: Individualism vs Collectivism (reaction pre-pandemic)

I read Anthem by Ayn Rand before the pandemic happened. So my thoughts and opinions are not colored by people's reaction to the pandemic (e.g. anti-maskers).  First off, I disagree with Ms. Rand's over-arching thesis that selfishness is always good. Too much individuality has made me feel alienated from other people. The best feelings that I had are when I feel connected to other people. The following quote resonated with me because I'm usually secretive with my thoughts and opinions. I don't share my thoughts freely that's why i have a private twitter account. It is a sin to write this. It is a sin to think words no others think and to put them down upon a paper no others are to see. It is base and evil. It is as if we were speaking alone to no ears but our own. But according to the "document, don't create" philosophy you should share to the world your progress and don't just keep it to yourself. You might as well get constructive feedback and mee...
Post a Comment
Read more