Looking back to gain perspective (March 2018)

I wrote this piece after my first year of teaching. I was anxious about performance evaluations. As early as 2018, I was already deliberating the idea of pursuing a PhD. I just didn't act on it immediately because I thought that the situation will improve. That I will improve. It's enlightening and humbling.


Hacking yourself is hard
It's true that we care about what others think than what we think
We care for others more than we care for ourselves
We give a shit about our other people's opinions or well-being than our own

Anyway
Today I had a breakthrough
I don’t know if breakthrough is the right word
But
I decided to just spew out my thoughts
I just had to do it

I was restless these past few days
Weeks months
I feel like I'm having a hard time adjusting to my job
Which I think should be
Must be expected

I just did not expect it to be this hard (drama)
Really
I was not prepared for this
But that's life
We are never prepared for what's to come

I also decided that
I must change my perspective on things
My workload has been tough
But
I think I just was not used to it
Nabag-uhan lang siguro ko

Its tough man
But I can get through this
I will get through this
The past few months has been a huge learning experience for me
And although I'm not really sure what my next step is gonna be
No
I actually know exactly what my next step is gonna be
I just can't declare it publicly yet
But I have plans
And I will execute on them
But for now
I just have to focus on what's in front of me
I learned a lot about myself to be honest
About my strengths and weaknesses
This has been challenging
But
The satisfaction of sharing something
Or teaching about something that I'm passionate about
Is I think worth all the troubles
Worth doing all the other unpleasant parts of the job

I'm glad that the school year is ending
At the same time I feel that I was not able to give my best
I am discontented with my preparations
With my teaching performance
With my energy
And I feel like I can do so much better
It's true
I have so much room for improvement

The future is uncertain
But
I am about 90 percent sure of my next step
I am not discounting the possibility of staying
I guess we'll see what the result of my performance evaluation will be
I am hopeful that I will improve next year

I guess that question is
Will it be worth it?
Is doing the things that I think are not as exciting as planning a lesson
Or delivering a lesson
Or participating in a math contest
Worth staying one more year?
That's the ultimate question