Death

 

This year I lost my grandma from my paternal side. Her death coincided with my compre preparation. I haven’t visited her grave yet. I don’t know when. She was diagnosed with pneumonia. It could also have been COVID but they haven’t tested her. I don’t think I’ve fully processed it really. She was buried a day after her death. It was sad. You can just feel the energy of the house. Maybe it was her time to go. She’s lived a long life.

I’ve lost some pets too. And I’m going to share my thoughts about it.

What does it mean to care for someone? I have no idea. Nonetheless, it's all tied to our acceptance of death. Or death of a loved one. The impermanence of life. But it doesn't feel that way. It seems that we have all the time in the world. Until it's too late…

Our cats have been breeding like crazy. And most of them don’t survive.

Cat 1 (November 2020)

It has been bothering me how life can be taken away just like that.

I mean death is part of life. Plants die all the time. We kill animals for food. Why does it bother me when a domesticated animal (cat) dies?

That cat struggled. He's weak. He has trouble going down the sofa. He clings to the blanket. I did force it to jump at one point. Its front limbs twisted. I did eventually fix it. But there's a nagging feeling that I somehow contributed to its death-- no matter how small that contribution is. No matter how unlikely.

I guess it's easier to think that its death is inevitable. That way I won't feel guilty about it. Sure, we could have brought them to a vet. But we don't really care about them that much.

Echo (January 2021)

There are just things money can't buy. And I fucking hate it. I'm angry that I care. I'm angry that I've been put into this position, that I let it affect me. That dog is annoying but I just feel bad.

Nobody is entitled to life. But death is certain. It's just a question of when. We may throw all our money to prevent it but eventually it will come. Against our will. When we least expect it. It hurts because you think everyone deserves a long, healthy life. But who said that? We just think so but that just ain't true. We aren't entitled to anything. The gift is life but it's definitely borrowed. And can be taken away anytime.

Cat 2 and 3 (December 2021)

It’s hard. I’m talking about kittens. They just want to survive but nature won’t let them. Nature is fucking metal. It’s ruthless. It gets to you. And you don’t care anymore. You’ve reached your capacity. People will forget you after you die. So why worry?

Cat 2 was already sickly. When it died its body turned cold and its paws turned black. Cat 3 was already deformed when it was born. And a part of its anus was protruding. It was drenched in rain and was motionless. So someone thought it was already dead and put it in a plastic bag. Until I hear a sound and it’s still alive! I was hoping it was going to survive. I tried to dry it using the hair dryer. The snails were already attacking it’s protruded anus. It was awful! That’s why it was crying. I guess in a way it was better that it died so that it’s not going to suffer anymore.