Janeth Canama

  Before the feels fade and the high subside, I just want to document that I had a really great time in this year's MSP Region 10, 12 & BARMMM annual convention. I think it's the most fun conference I've attended, to date. I've been to a couple conferences in other MSP Regions, and conferences in math education but I think what makes this special is that most participants in this conference are my cohort. My peers who I used to only interact virtually I saw face-to-face. It was fun discussing math and everyone being enthusiastic about it. You could see collaborations forming after presentations. I don't think I will have a collaboration from it but it doesn't matter. This is me dipping my toes in the math ocean. I crave community and I got it. So many more things to reflect on but that will be reserved to my private journal. We gotta move forward, baby. No time to dwell.

I know Taylor Swift has released a new album. I don't really have a favorite though. I have not listened to it enough. Maybe 'questions?" So here I am at midnight. And I can't sleep. I should have went to the closing program of non-gaussian analysis. Maybe then I'll get tired from walking. I thought I could get some work done today but nada. Nothing about today went as planned. But that's fine. That's just life. I'm overwhelmed. Too many things are happening. My life could change in the next two months if I do it right. Where do I draw the inspiration from? I'm thinking of dedicating my dissertation to my late grandparents. I know I'm better at helping other people than myself. That's just my flaw. I can't sleep and there's a conference tomorrow. I'm way overstimulated and my mind is running at high speed. Will you settle down, please?

Our paper has been accepted for publication in Symmetry! This is indeed a milestone and I'm one step closer to graduation. Honestly, I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. This will give me a second wind to revise the manuscript for IDAQP. I've never been under this scrutiny from reviewers. I don't remember it being this tedious in my masters. Well, we were not required to publish then.  Anyway, I could get used to this feeling. I love the validation more than the fact that I'm closer to graduation. I'm excited to write more! I'm excited to do more research although I hate the revision process. It's love-hate, yes. But the pay-off is worth it. Now the pressure is on to submit the dissertation manuscript to my advisers and then to the panel. I hope I can make it.  

Two days, I received a somewhat good news. But I don't wanna talk about it yet because I don't wanna jinx it. For now I will work hard and write. If you squint at the title then you probably already know what it is. But again, nothing is certain until a final decision is made. Still a lot of work to do but I'm getting there. 

This is the second part of my Living alone series. Reiterating what I said in the first part, this also chronicles my struggles with my comprehensive exams and my PhD program. So I moved to an apartment in San Miguel, Iligan City from April 2021 to September 2021.   4/10 My plans were derailed. There was a fire somewhere near. I was already dragging my feet before then. But that really put a dent on my plans. Maybe I should drink coffee in the mornings to wake up. They were talking about the previous occupant. Apparently, it's someone they know. And he was robbed twice. Sometimes, you just gotta put your ear in the ground. I mean nothing happened. But it could have. And I don't know what to do if it happened to me. As I said, it derailed my plans. I could go out now but I'll just do it tomorrow. Maybe drink some tea in the meantime? Later at 7pm. That's the thing about me. I don't bounce back easily. But these things don't happen everyday. It's my...

I've submitted the paper to the journal. I've submitted the special order to the embassy. I've submitted the acceptance letter to DOST. And I haven't heard from any of them. Just silence. It's nerve-wracking. Guess I gotta be patient. And do something productive in the meantime. Like you know, write the dissertation manuscript.

Today I woke up feeling like the world was spinning. Didn't know what was wrong. Tried sleeping it off and then I felt like I had to throw up. I did throw up and it was pure acid! Twice! So that was what stomach acid tasted like, like pure unripe mango. I didn't see the color because it was dark. But there was no food in it. Just pure liquid and it reacted like acid! Just scary. The last meal I've eaten is breakfast/lunch. But this is the first time this has happened to me. So that was the cause of my headache/vertigo. So I eventually ate something even though I had no appetite. And I feel a lot better now. I really don't know the reason for this episode. Maybe food poisoning? Who knows. The body keeps score. And it wants me to know that it was not okay.

I've lived alone twice. In two different apartments. I eventually went back home because, damn, it was lonely. As to why I moved out in the first place, that's a story for another day. But this post will chronicle those experiences. Incidentally, this also chronicles the struggles I had with my PhD program. (December 2020) F###. I'm still not in the mood. F###. This is so boring. I barely have time to cope with my first exam. But it has to be done. How can I make it less boring? See this is what I haven't anticipated. That I won't have motivation to go on. No, I still want to go on. I just need a break. I hate to be pressured above all things. There were some things that I haven't anticipated--like not being able to enter the building, and hence not being able to study for half a day. But honestly, it wouldn't have made much of a difference. For it to make a difference I would have to have processed the concepts weeks ago. Too late but that...

I love when things go wrong. At least I have a story to tell.  First, DOST has asked me an acceptance letter from the organizers. I was invited to talk there so I was only given an invitation letter. Apparently that wasn't enough. So I had to email one of the organizers to ask for an acceptance letter this time. It's absurd. But going back and forth through mail was fun. At least I had to practice my communication skills. I've been pretty rusty lately.  Then the Tunisian embassy has replied to my application essentially saying that I had incomplete requirements. I need to provide an employment letter! That's travel order and special order in local terms. The problem is I can't get that if DOST does not approve my request first. Although a travel clearance has been given, an approved memo is still pending. This might take a week or so. Who knows. I'm not really that worried. I still have around a month and a half to complete the requirements. Hope it doesn't ...

Good things come in threes. Or not. And I'm nearing the end of another cycle. The thing is, I'm not really sure what to do after this. Some people are giving me suggestions. But ultimately, I'm the one who decides. It felt like the period of resigning from teaching where everything was so slow and bureaucratic and I was so done with it but I had to go through the motions. The paperwork. And it's the same exact thing. I want so much to move on and maybe do something else but I have paperwork to hand in. Interestingly this paperwork is the step towards getting a PhD. But somehow, knowing this, doesn't motivate me. I'm pacing myself. Slowly. Too slow for my liking. I don't want to burn out. Perhaps money will motivate me? I really don't know. Maybe convenience? The things money can buy? I had a taste of it. It did kind of feel good. But I'm not going to kill myself just to get it. It's a nice thing to have. But it's not everything. I want to liv...

I was just talking three days ago that I haven't figured out how to show that quadratic annihilation operators are linearly independent. Yesterday, I figured it out! At least, for a certain type of operator. I just have to be clever about it.  I am really proud of this one because I struggled with it for days. This proof is a bit more complicated than the one about annihilation operators. And it needs a lemma or two. And some mathematical induction. The last three weeks has been crazy. Too many things happened . Now I want to settle down a bit. Focus on what matters.  For now, we are preparing a paper. Then I'm writing the manuscript. I have a month to do that before I submit it to my advisers. Then make arrangements for that trip in Tunisia.  It will be a crazy semester. I hope I graduate on time. I have so many ideas but that will have to go to the recommendation chapters. Let's wrap it up! I think I have enough to answer the objectives in my proposal.

  I had a talk this week about the construction of white noise test functions. It was nice actually. I was forced to articulate what I know and present it in a more coherent way. Concepts that were fuzzy before has become clearer now. I still have remaining objectives to answer but the process is the reward. Next week, I will be presenting my results in a colloquium. I will frame the results around a central question which is a variation of a certain Lie algebra of white noise operators. This is done by replacing the number operator by a generalized number operator, called conservation operator corresponding to an operator S. Doing this changes the dimension of the base Lie algebra depending on the properties of S. One result that I have is that the linear independence of the orbits of S characterizes the dimension of the Lie algebra. The question then becomes: which operators have a linearly independent orbit? One example is the the unilateral shift. It has a very simple structure...

I'm really sleepy. But I'm trying to stay up because I don't know. My food hasn't been digested yet? Dunno.  Im writing this post because I'm bored. Because my inhibitions are down. Sometimes interesting thoughts come when I'm between wakefulness and sleepiness.  Im watching this American remake of a French movie that I've seen before. Something about a disabled man and a black caregiver. I noticed the similarities from the first scene.  I've been overthinking. Worrying about when I'll graduate. Will I be able to publish before the funding runs out? That sort of thing. And what does it matter if I do? What does anything matter at all?  I feel drunk without drinking alcohol. I did eat green mangoes though. With soy sauce, salt and chili. It hurt my lips and it got inflamed for a moment. I had to drink lots of water and turn on the fan to make it better. I'm okay now. I'm just a normal human being. With eccentric curiosities but normal. I don...

It's election season. And I see these candidates who have no chance of winning. But they try. Some barely try. Some desperately try.  Even before the elections, I've had this question in my head, "Is it pathetic to try"? Is it pathetic to try when you have no chance of winning? How would you know that you have no chance of winning? By trying, heh. That's how you test the waters. I definitely had moments when I thought I had no chance of doing something but that was the pessimist in me talking. Almost always, the reality is so much better than the scenario in my head. Sometimes all we need is a little bit of hope. What does winning even mean? Is it attaining a goal? Perhaps. I guess sometimes I don't try because I don't wanna be seen as weak. The excuse "I didn't even try anyways" will come in handy. Your ego won't be hurt. Because if you tried your hardest and you gave it your all, and you still didn't get it, what does tha...