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Three-year cycle

Good things come in threes. Or not. And I'm nearing the end of another cycle. The thing is, I'm not really sure what to do after this. Some people are giving me suggestions. But ultimately, I'm the one who decides. It felt like the period of resigning from teaching where everything was so slow and bureaucratic and I was so done with it but I had to go through the motions. The paperwork. And it's the same exact thing. I want so much to move on and maybe do something else but I have paperwork to hand in. Interestingly this paperwork is the step towards getting a PhD. But somehow, knowing this, doesn't motivate me. I'm pacing myself. Slowly. Too slow for my liking. I don't want to burn out. Perhaps money will motivate me? I really don't know. Maybe convenience? The things money can buy? I had a taste of it. It did kind of feel good. But I'm not going to kill myself just to get it. It's a nice thing to have. But it's not everything. I want to live! I want freedom. Or some semblance of it. I want to connect, I guess. But with whom? The PhD journey has been isolating. I made it that way, I admit. Because I'm easily distracted. 

It all comes back to my lack of commitment. What do I really want at the end of this? I'm faced with the same question that I had when I decided to quit my job and enroll in this program. And then what? Collect the perks? Have a cushy job? Somehow I want to try a new thing. Which makes me nervous. And some people may not like it. But this is my life. I decide!

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