I've lived
alone twice. In two different apartments. I eventually went back home
because, damn, it was lonely. As to why I moved out in the first place,
that's a story for another day. But this post will chronicle those
experiences. Incidentally, this also chronicles the struggles I had with
my PhD program.
(December 2020)
F###. I'm still not in the mood. F###. This is so boring. I barely have time to cope with my first exam. But it has to be done. How can I make it less boring?
See
this is what I haven't anticipated. That I won't have motivation to go
on. No, I still want to go on. I just need a break. I hate to be
pressured above all things.
There were
some things that I haven't anticipated--like not being able to enter the
building, and hence not being able to study for half a day. But
honestly, it wouldn't have made much of a difference. For it to make a
difference I would have to have processed the concepts weeks ago. Too
late but that's okay. Don't dwell on it. Let's move on. Regroup and move
on.
One reason
I like food panda is that I don't have to interact with humans, or if I
have to only minimally. Removing the human element to it, so efficient.
Ordering through facebook marketplace still gives me anxiety.
I guess one of the things that I'm thinking right now is if it's worth it. Is being alone and by myself worth all the trouble of not being able to freely go out and buy whatever?
I guess we'll see. It's too early to interpret the results of this
experiment. Don't pull the plug yet. Let's give it a couple of months,
at least. Yeah, it has its downsides but I'm actually forced to do my
work, otherwise I'll get bored. Stockholm syndrome, anyone? Surely
there's a better way than this? If things don't improve by January then
let's consider the alternatives.
(1223 December)
I have this fantasy of looking out the streets on a late night of my apartment building. I haven't really slept in that room. I plan to officially move on the 25th. All the other tenants are also back home for their Christmas vacation. It seems that I'm the only one there-- the hallways are also dark; nobody bothers to turn on the lights. The good thing is that I can wash my clothes and hang it there because the space is all on my own. That's the positive side of it (that didn't happen because they've left their clothes on the sampayan).
I should buy more clothes-- including bed sheets and comforters-- because by the time they get back, the sampayan will not be vacant anymore.
(January 2021)
0103.
I just came back in my apartment and it's peaceful. Noisy but peaceful.
So
I'm having second thoughts of living here again because of various
reasons. One because of food. To remedy that I have to buy a rice cooker
and a heater.
Two,
because I can't go in and out as much as I like. I've already kind of
familiarized the rhythm of this house. I know that if I go here at
around 5, that someone will open the door.
(Around this time this post on death was written. )
***
Today is Saturday, January 9. I just checked out my apartment. It's fine. I will probably go back next week. This week is really hectic and
i cannot stay here for a long time without setting up the rice cooker
and heater, buying food, and bringing my study materials. This is not
the right time to introduce changes. My time will be consumed doing so.
So I will stay put and I will bring the necessary things next week when
everything has calmed down. Okay? Sounds like a plan.
***
I'm tired. I'm bored. I hate uncertainty.
I'm not really worried about my grades. I doubt someone will fail me. I'm just curious, swear. I just want to get it over with.
So what's the plan for tomorrow?
I'm going to buy groceries at Alab at 9am. I need to because I want to wash my clothes and there are no detergent left.
Anyway,
I don't want to go to my apartment early. My target time is 3pm. So I
have plenty of time in the morning to buy groceries and wash my clothes
(which I will bring when I get back--or not, so I that I have spare
clothes left for when I sleep over).
What are
the things I should bring. The rice cooker definitely. Some rice, in
another container. The straight microphone for recording. The
headphones. I need to buy new earphones because the last one is
broken--it only plays in one ear. What else? Some clothes. Panties. Bra.
Jacket. Malong. Wallet, of course. Notebooks. I need to buy one ream of
bond paper.
If there's still time I can clean up my desk. Put my files in their respective clear books. Throw away the rest.
This
is where camscanner is useful. It digitizes notes so that when I look
for them later, I can find them easily. I don't have to search for the
physical ones. I just have to be specific with my filenames.
***
so here we are. back in my apartment.
It's not technically an apartment. Just a room but hey. I get to call it what I want.
Now
this is the perks of living alone. I get to talk about whatever
whenever without fear of being judged. I get to explore ideas as deep as
I want to.
What I mean with
this of course is my question about membership. When you say that
you're 100% a member of something, what does that even mean?
Is
it time? You give it all of your free time (we still have to sleep you
know?). Is it commitment? Are you willing to drop everything else if
needed. Make it your number one priority. Or is it attention? When
you're dealing with it (or in it), you give it your full attention and
not think of anything else.
Thinking about it, I
don't even think I gave something my 100%. Did I spend all my free time
on something? In bursts, yes. For
example when I was doing my research for my master's. Commitment, no.
Short-term commitment, yes. But long-term, no. I mean this PhD is a
commitment. And involuntarily I've given it all my time because really
what else am I gonna do? Except for hobbies like reading stories and
playing piano, it's all I ever do. Like, socializing? How can you
socialize in a pandemic? Even pre-pandemic I don't have the urge to
socialize. Is it fear of rejection? Is it projecting an image of
coolness? Who knows? We'll flesh it out later.
Full
attention. When have I given something my full attention? Again, my
master's thesis is one thing that I can remember. Or maybe when I was
preparing for my slides and came upon something confusing that I have to
understand. And it turned out that it's actually something fun and
exciting. And I didn't want to let go but I had to because I had other
important things to do and deadlines looming.
so let's go back.
I'm
at my apartment and I haven't eaten dinner. I was sleep-deprived when I
got here and I need to lie down and sleep it off. I woke up at 8 in the
evening and of course you cannot order food anymore. Good thing I
bought snacks.
So my point is, here we are. I have one week to regroup and prepare for the coming semester. Truthfully, the comprehensive exam is on my mind.
It scares me more than my subjects this semester. I mean, exams in
general stresses me out. You just don't know what to expect.
So
here I am. Hungry. I want to drink something hot but I don't have a
mug. I didn't bring any because my bag is already full. My hands were
full since I had to bring the rice cooker also.
I'm
sure that the living conditions will improve once I can cook meals. I
mean, Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Food comes first. Along with shelter.
You could be homeless but you have to eat.
So
today I have to buy things. Like rice to cook. Spoon and fork. A mug. A
plate. Water has almost run out. I want to drink pineapple but that will
only make me hungrier. Maybe later.
Ah, I also have to buy jogging pants. So that I am comfortable for when I want to go out.
Also,
yeah I forgot. I have to go through my journal to see what are the
interesting things that happened this year. First, I have to make a
private reflection of it. A summary of everything that happened. Maybe I
can do that later.
(Now I want to take a dump but there's no water. I can flush it later. Use the wipes that I have)
(February 2021)
I'm fine, I guess. I'm been
asking myself why I'm not preparing for the new semester or preparing
for the comprehensive exams. And my answer to that is: I just want to
relax, you know. I wanna live worry-free. Just for a few days.
The
last few days has been --- because I've tried to apartment experiment.
This time with a heater and a rice cooker. I ran into problems such as
drinking water running out. I had to boil the water from the CR but that
caused me digestive problems so I stopped doing that. Another thing are
the dorm mates, or rather, floor mates. I'm wary of going out because I
might run into them. Thankfully, they felt the same. They've been
avoiding me as well. I wish I could be more friendly--I want to make
friends. However, I love my privacy, too. That's been one of the plus
sides to this whole experiment. So, yeah. I'd rather not get too
comfortable.
I
need to bring a few more clothes and hangers so that I can wash more
clothes at once. I should do something about the water draining from the
clothes. Maybe buy some more trapo (rugs).
[Actually, you can buy plastic containers to catch the drips]
I
should also buy a small electric fan at some point. When I can confirm
that the January allowance is in my account. I'm thinking I'm going to
IIT tomorrow. To check my balance and to get an ROG. Yeah, that's good.
Making plans. So that we feel that we're not wasting our time.
There's
nothing wrong with wasting your time. As long as you're intentional
about it. Fine, you can even schedule however long you want. The keyword
is control. Do you feel in control? If not, then maybe that's why you
feel helpless.
I
wrote before that I want to make Robinsons my office. But with the
funds running out and me watching my expenses, that's not really an
option. You know it's a good thing that I went back home during this
two-week break. Because it's also a break from spending.
***
Let's
talk about binding. Last semester, I spent maybe two thousand pesos for
binding. Not all of them were useful. The most useful ones were the two
books from Hungerford. The complex one I will only use this semester.
Oh, also the topology one. Yes, I may have used only less than 50% of
the books but it was well worth it.
Now,
I have to bind books for the incoming semester. Functional analysis, in
particular. That's why I've been looking for my USB. And I found it,
thank God.
(Plans and issues)
Good evening. So here's an update.
I
woke up with my alarm at around 7-8 in the morning. Because we know
that our room will be renovated, but apparently it was not. Another part
of the house was renovated. But that's okay. At least I woke up early
albeit sleep-deprived.
So I thought that I
would buy them groceries before I leave. And I did go to Alab. I walked
there, which is a good exercise. It was Monday so many parents and
students were going back and forth to claim and submit their modules.
It
was a nice exercise. I broke a sweat. However, I was not allowed to
enter Alab because I did not have a face shield. Call me soft but that
was not even part of my plan and I didn't go back just because. So I
decided to postpone grocery shopping to tomorrow.
Walking is good. I should do it more often. Whether in the city or in dalipuga.
Now
I'm here. And I haven't any work as much I wanted to. Or I think I
wanted. This is because I was sleep-deprived so I just slept when I
arrived here. I woke up late afternoon, around 3-4pm.
I
had trouble waking up. The usual where you're awake but not really. You
can't move your body. And I was hallucinating, hearing things. So I
really had to wake up. Not really force but push. You kind of have to go
in the flow but have an intention to wake up.
Now
here's the catch. My neighbors are out. And that means that I cannot
just go out whenever I want. I have to time it perfectly because my
contact is unresponsive during mornings and noon. I have to be back at
around 3pm-5pm. When I went out earlier at around 5:30, the gate is
locked from the inside. So there.
So what this
means is that I have to plan what to do whenever I go out. On the plus
side, I will be forced to stay inside which means that I get to study or
do the necessary preparations for the coming semester.
Yeah, this kind of puts a wrench in my plans but I'll adjust. As always.
I've been having a hard time
getting a right rhythm. And it's okay to take a break, I know. But
whenever I want to get started, I can't. Maybe I'm just making excuses.
And
I know they're trying. But time is running out. I guess we can
compromise by going back during the weekends to prepare for the
comprehensive exams. But that's about it. I need it too, I know. I need the social interaction.
This is back to trying to please other people despite your own
detriment. I don't need to explain anything. They don't know the anxiety
that I'm feeling with my program. And I don't blame them. It looks so
easy from the outside. And I kind of feel that I got off scot-free. That
I was not punished with my procrastination. But they don't know that.
(And then this post was written)
***
(February 2021)
I decided to
terminate my expensive apartment experiment on April. It's too
expensive! The 7K that I spend on rent could be spent on food. Mabusog
pa ko.
Okay let's talk about what
happened today. I just slept all day. No wonder I was feeling claustrophobic. I had a headache. I was irritated because I didn't have
breakfast nor lunch. Everybody is annoying.
Same old shit that I complain about before.
So I had to terminate my expensive experiment and swallow my pride. It's just not sustainable. If my allowance gets delayed, what am I going to pay?
But
the things that I used to do when I lived in Mahayahay should continue.
Like going out in the city. Attending a class in Robinsons. Buying
knick knacks, food, and what not. Curtains. Clothes. Sheets. This is
where 7K should be spent.
And more importantly, watch your expenses. That's one good thing that happened during this whole experiment. Funds dry fast if I'm not aware where it goes. I spend like 5K a week, so 20K a month. That plus the rent is just not sustainable.
Anyway, yeah. I have to do my evals. Why is it so hard to do that? I spend so many hours mulling over it.
And
if I do go to Robinsons, what should I buy? I have a plan B, if the
gate doesn't open. It always does though. After sometime. An hour at
most.
The heat. That's what's bothering me. The
gate I can manage. It tests my patience but I can manage. The heat is
really challenging. If I can't stay in my room, where else could I go? I
could go out but there's a fear of not coming back in. Also, the lack
of clean clothes is a deterrent. It was raining then so I can't wash my
clothes. I need to buy more clothes!
About the
blog. I feel like I should put something there as an update. Maybe some
update for this year. Or some review for last year. Something. I don't
like that my last post is about love. It makes me seem cheesy.
Oh, I should buy that frying pan that I saw in Gaisano. So many plans, so little time.
2:43am:
drank lipovitan. 75mg caffeine. the thing about energy drinks is that
it has the same effect as drinking coffee without the stomachache. i
still feel hungry but yeah.
i love silence. i crave silence. it's so hard to come by.
some time now the sun will rise. people will wake up. the world will be noisy again.
better have a head start before that happens.
oh well. clean up before they wake up.
(March 2021)
Let's talk about that. Let's talk about not attending the linear algebra class yesterday. So here's what happened.
Well,
I slept through it. What happened was I woke up at 2pm and I realized
that I'm 30 minutes late already and went back to sleep. This will bite
me in the ass, I know. I have to make up for it somehow.
Now, let's talk about going back
to the apartment. I haven't been there a long time. The last time was when I
took the a4tech camera which I didn't use anyway. Now, I need the
straight camera because this room is so close from the road that it
can be noisy.
The last time I lived/slept
there was February 18th. Because I remember that I went back home on
Friday. I was sick and I was on my period. Dysmenorrhea and such.
But inertia man. It's always a bother.
I
can't go there early in the morning because the guy that's going to
open the gate is probably not up by then. So I'm thinking noon. Right
before and right after noon. If not, 2-3pm. It seems that after 6pm,
it's harder to ask someone to open the gate. So yeah.
The
heat. It's really a bother. From 9am-3pm. I can't open the door
because, well, it might smell bad. So yeah. You have to endure it. Or
sleep on the floor (tiles). I tried that once.
I
have two major tasks to do. The more urgent one is the FA homework to
be passed on Friday. We haven't assigned tasks yet with groupmates. I
was disappointed with my output for HW1 but that's for later.
The
second one is the second presentation in our seminar in algebra class. I
haven't written down the corrections for my first presentation
(introduction) so I have to do that soonest because I might forget. Let
me just leave my presentation open to remind me. Okay, it's open now.
Yeah. My expensive experiment failed.
And it's cost me money. Around 35K to be exact. That's one month worth
of allowance. It's not for nought though. I learned a lot about myself. I
learned how to eat my pride, basically. That there are so many things I
take for granted. That you know, the heat can really be a bother,
especially when studying. The elements, as they say.
I'm
glad I did it though. I really do. And I will do a proper reflection once I
move out. But for now, I have to go back. Because that experiment is a
money sink. 35K for rent alone. But probably that amount too for all the
other things I needed to buy for food, the table and chair, for the
sampayan, etc.
Anyway, that's about it for now. I'll get back to writing once I need to blow off steam. Heh.
***
Hello! Good morning.
So.
Just a quick update. I decided to work on our second homework in
functional analysis this (early) morning--the generalized holder's
inequality.
I aim to finish everything today so that I can work on my second presentation in our seminar in algebra class.
I
have so much free time but I can't seem to do anything productive with
it. This is not a judgment, just an observation. I seem to just sleep.
That's why I drank coffee to keep myself from getting sleepy.
Now I'm drinking tea. I forgot. It's almost cold now.
***
Speaking
of wasting time and money, that's the price of trying something new and
experimenting. Yes, it turned out to be really expensive. But I
wouldn't have learned the things that I learned about living alone and
myself if I didn't do it. And the next time I have to live alone, I now
have an idea of what to look for to in an apartment--a livable and
accessible one.
Aversion to waste.
I'm full. But I'm worried that my tea will go to waste. Why is that? I'm full. I'm satiated. I'm not sleepy.
Why can't we let go of things that doesn't serve us anymore? These are things, not people.
So why? Is it scarcity mindset? Probably.
Let go. There are no rules.
Or
it could be sunk cost fallacy. Seeing it to the end even though it's
not fun anymore. Although there's a balance between perseverance and
giving up/letting go.
***
Hello! I'll just write an
update. I checked my ATM Balance and there's nothing there (except 5K
which was there last time). I was really disappointed. No celebration
next week then (if the allowance is not yet there by then).
I
walked off my disappointment. But who else should I blame but myself.
It was hubris. I mismanaged my money. I will check again on Friday
because that's when the rent is due. Good thing I have a 10K buffer in
my DBP account. I will inform them that I will move out in April.
Next
thing to do is to go to Robinsons to buy cat and dog food. Buy energy
drinks and canned goods. The budget is 500 pesos, but I think this is
only for the pets. Then go back to the city to buy sud-an. Then go home
finally. Then sleep because I'm sleepy already. Then wake up at 2:50pm
for linear algebra class.
Just
an update to this. I went back to the apartment to get some things,
mainly the straight microphone. I was inside when the caretaker tried to
open the door. My heart was beating so fast! Is this really happening? I
heard him knock the door, maybe mine, maybe the next door. Anyway, I
opened the door and we had a chat. I told him that I'm leaving on April.
That was creepy though.
Yes,
I want to live alone. But do I want to live with strangers and strange
men? This is one reason to get filthy rich and afford a condo.
***
(April 2021)
I moved to another apartment. Somewhere in San Miguel. I will write about it in another post.
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