This is the second part of my Living alone series. Reiterating what I
said in the first part, this also chronicles my struggles with my
comprehensive exams and my PhD program.
So I moved to an apartment in San Miguel, Iligan City from April 2021 to September 2021.
4/10
My plans were derailed. There was a fire somewhere near. I was already dragging my feet before then. But that really put a dent on my plans.
Maybe I should drink coffee in the mornings to wake up.
They were talking about the previous occupant. Apparently, it's someone they know. And he was robbed twice. Sometimes, you just gotta put your ear in the ground. I mean nothing happened. But it could have. And I don't know what to do if it happened to me.
As I said, it derailed my plans.
I could go out now but I'll just do it tomorrow. Maybe drink some tea in the meantime? Later at 7pm.
That's the thing about me. I don't bounce back easily. But these things don't happen everyday. It's my first time actually witnessing a fire that close. I've never seen it. Only heard from the others.
That's life. It throws you curveballs. You just gotta be resilient.
Tea? What about Milo? Hmm. So that you can drink more (water).
***
Yesterday I was productive typing up our homework for functional analysis. But it was quite stressful. I plan to have that kind of productivity minus the stress. Build my stamina for studying for a long time.
***
Let's talk about clothes because that seems to be a limiting factor. I have to wear fresh clothes because I suspect that they can smell me from outside. Because I can smell when someone wears a strong perfume, for example.
You know, buying canned goods and a multi-cooker has saved me a lot of money. Where before, I spent around one thousand pesos every two days for foodpanda, now I only spend maybe 100-200 pesos a day. And I don't finish the whole can in one meal but in two. Maybe for the whole day.
Going out. What's the problem? The problem is that I'm not wearing clothes that's suitable for going out. It's been three days since I went to buy something. Huh. Actually I went out earlier to take out the trash but that's that. I didn't go anywhere far.
This place is interesting. There's a lot of things going on. It's important to keep abreast and be informed of what's going on. But it's also a distraction. If it doesn't affect me directly then it's best to ignore it. I don't have to please anybody. I'm here to focus. But I haven't done any focusing, haven't I?
***
It's raining. That's good because it will hopefully bring down the heat. Not that the heat is bothering me because I need it to dry my clothes. It's manageable.
Yeah. The fire scare really makes me vulnerable. But this is the decision that I made so I'm going to own up to it. I cannot show weakness.
***
There's the concept of work clothes. From 9am-5pm, I could wear work clothes to signal myself that I'm working. And also so that I can go out immediately if I want to. As I said, that's a limiting factor. They have to be presentable but comfortable.
***
The thing with grocery shopping is that it never ends. There's always something missing that I have to buy next. For example, I bought a corned beef that is not easy open. How am I supposed to open it without a knife? Also, I'm planning to cook ampalaya. How am I supposed to cut it without a knife? So yeah, a knife and a chopping board is a must.
***
What next?
Okay. Let's talk about the things that I should do.
In the short-term, there's the seminar in algebra presentation. I plan to finish everything in the third round so I don't have anything to worry about now that the second batch of classes will start next week. Yeah.
The task seems enormous. There's a lot of things to untangle. One, the results are only valid for F2. Anyway, let's take it one result at a time. If there's a result that's hard let's skip for the meantime. Then go back to it when the easy ones are done.
So that's for short-term or the classes I'm taking this semester. There's others but there's no immediate deadlines for them.
Now, let's go to the long-term tasks. I need to get my real analysis notes. Along with my other clothes. I mean, I could print my notes again but I need to buy a printer. I don't want to buy something when I'm not even going to study. So I need a bit first just to prove to myself that the printer's gonna be useful.
Yeah, it's overwhelming. I just gotta pick one topic and start with that. Thinking about the whole thing makes my head spin. It's scary. I go into the worst-case scenarios and that doesn't help.
(Eerily quiet)
4/12
Okay let me document this because this technically happened today (early morning). At around two o'clock in the morning it got eerily quiet. As in you can't hear a single sound. I mean I should be happy with that, right? That's what I wanted. You know, the previous days there were people drinking right outside even in the wee hours in the morning.
But yesterday it was so quiet it was unnerving. I got scared. And then the dogs started to howl. All plans of studying flew out the window. I turned on the aircon to make some background noise. I was trying to sleep but couldn't. I actually did for a while and then woke up with some sleep paralysis of sort. A first in this room.
And then eventually I slept at around 5 o'clock in the morning. Woke up before noon but then went back to sleep. Woke up an hour after and then it was still eerily quiet so went back to sleep again. And again.
I finally stood up at around 2 in the afternoon to wash my body. You know, from stink.
I should have resumed the proof on Lemma 4 but I didn't. I was frustrated with it. I want to get it over with. I think I got bored with it. Okay, I'll just leave it be for now. Go back to it later when I finalize my slides. Have a checklist of things that are finished and things that are not.
One other thing. I think it will help to have some plan a day before. Some agenda on what to do. Because I was focused on this one thing which I didn't want to do anymore, I had nothing else lined up to do. So nothing to wake up to, basically. That's why I just lay on my bed almost all day. Because I had no agenda that day (this day).
So yeah. I think it's a good idea to have some overview of subjects to study for compre. And then pick the ones that are more exciting or relevant.
If nothing else happens and I still have not made any progress, I could just screenshot the definitions onto Anki and study them. At least that's progress. I could also type them out but that takes a lot of time. Which reminds me that the file size will probably get so big and uninstall it in my realme phone if that happens. Not that that's a problem anyway because all my previous cards are deleted, I think. Let's open up Anki to check.
One other thing that I could do is to type out last year's journal entries. It's boring. But if I'm not motivated to study then why not?
***
(Breakdown)
So damn fragile. Triggered by the smallest of things. This is not a way to live. Surely there must be a better way than this. Drown out the noise. You don't need to impress anyone. Comply with the requirements. Make sure you pass your classes. Anything else is a distraction.
Don't feel so bad about yourself. This is your choice, remember? Because instead of dealing with a conflict like a grown adult would, you threw a tantrum. How dare they even for a little bit insinuate that you're not doing enough in the household. Not contributing enough. Apparently, your financial contributions aren't enough. Maybe they were hoping you'd pour all your hard-earned money to them.
Hard-earned? That's funny. Really? Which part is hard? Working hard? You're barely working! And I don't mean to chastise you but this is the truth. I mean, not to your standards. You still haven't missed a deadline, have you? But you will be. If you keep this up.
Maybe a little bit pessimistic, yeah. I'm going crazy. So close to it. I'm having arguments with myself. Maybe I need to eat something. Lest I lose my mind.
The thing with loved ones is that they have the potential to hurt you. If strangers offend you in some way, you feel hurt momentarily. But it will go away eventually. Because you have no expectation that they're supposed to respect you. Or put your needs before their own. No. That's why it doesn't hurt.
Expectations hurt.
Maybe I'm a little bit entitled. That I feel like my siblings should respect me. Because I'm the eldest? Because I contribute financially? On their end, they may feel that I don't contribute enough because I don't do household chores. I'm not expected to. But I don't volunteer anyways. They probably resent that.
I still don't get it. Empathy is hard. It's just easy in theory. But in practice it's hard. Pride gets in the way. Self-preservation. Putting my interests before others. I may have acted without thinking. Maybe looking for the smallest things to get offended about. Anything. I wasn't even directly told off. Maybe a little bit. Just a mention of the term "magulang". Who else is she talking about? I'm the "magulang".
Logically, it's the right move. Who knows a conflict like that won't happen in the future? I already noticed a prelude to it the day before. But I didn't do anything. What was I supposed to do? I have no authority. I really try to avoid conflict.
Bottom line is: their house, their rules. If they can tolerate such conflicts without addressing it, then that's their call. But I can't handle it. I'm already way fragile. The littlest things will trigger me.
I don't know where it stems from. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. That much is true. I have this ideal of myself that I'm responsible. That I can pace myself. I had such a vision. And as days go by, it's becoming apparent that that's not the case. I'm not even close to that ideal. Should I change that ideal? Modify my goal?
I guess part of my frustration is that I have this feeling that my family members think that I have it so good. But that's not the case. I feel immense pressure. I don't want to fail. It's like I'm enjoying all of the benefits but not doing the responsibilities.
How are they supposed to know that, though? I don't communicate. I shut off all means of communication. I refuse to compromise.
I don't even know the point of it all. I'm just going through the motions. I hope it will make sense in the end. This "job" is isolating. And I make it even more so. I shut off my only support system. What now?
How can I cope? Without swallowing my pride?
What even is the issue? We haven't talked about it at all. We haven't addressed the elephant in the room. That's not how we do things.
I could judge my parents about it. But really? Their house, their rules. Could things have been better? Sure. Could I have ended things on a better note? Definitely. But I didn't. Because I don't grovel. Such a fragile ego. What do you want? For them to worship you? You're no god! They've survived before you and they will survive without you. You are not needed anymore! So bring your money with you and do your own thing.
Don't mind the pets. They're dead anyway. They will be. We will all be. So what's the fuss? Like you lost something? You don't own anything. Everything is borrowed.
***
4/13
It's so eerily quiet again. I'm careful to not make any loud noises. At the same time, I'm careful to keep my voice low. This is suboptimal. Because I get self conscious. I often have to talk out loud about the problem to make sense of it. I think hearing yourself say what you're thinking registers it more? Just like the cashier says the amount they are paid? Or Japanese conductors say what they are going to do out loud.
There's a value in talking it out. No matter how weird it is. I didn't really think about it back home. Although I hear my neighbors mention it. I didn't know they could hear me. Home is a safe place.
Here I am among strangers. I'm self conscious about it. Maybe I can turn on the aircon to drown out the noise? But then I get cold so I can't concentrate. That's the trade-off.
I often think that I've been given more credit than I deserve. Maybe it's a kind of imposter syndrome. It's all because of past accomplishments which have nothing to do with what I'm doing now. Maybe a little.
We're treated based on our past, aren't we? I mean that's obvious, but that's not always a good thing. Sure, it can work in our favor. But sometimes it can pressure us to be something we're not. I hope I've learned my lesson by now. Not to think about other people's opinions. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Nobody! Really. They're preoccupied with their own problems.
***
I just remembered something. I remembered that I asked a question about the basis of an mxn matrix over F. I feel so dumb now. This is just me being self conscious.
Who cares what they think? Really. I just have to pass these subjects. Just do your responsibilities and be done with it. Don't let anybody get under your skin. Ever.
***
I'm going on a grocery run. But I need to finalize my grocery list first.
***
So I checked my DBP account and I learned that the ten thousand pesos that I'm saving are no longer there. I suspect that it got deducted on April 7 when I attempted to withdraw it.
Tomorrow morning, at around 8am, I'm going to DBP to inquire about it. Those are the facts.
What do I feel? I feel disappointed. I called my mother because I think I needed someone to talk about it. She asked about it anyway before. She asked me to check my DBP account before. So yeah. That's that.
10K is a lot. That's a lot of food already. Hehe. Yeah. I should at least fight for it. I don't feel so good about it. Even if it was a pleasant surprise at the time. When I learned that that account still has money in it. It was the right timing. And this is a bad omen. A hassle. But I'll find time.
I'm going to lie down and try not to overthink.
***
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to look at the results regarding stabilizer one more time. Maybe 10-20 minutes. Just to see if I get it. If I understand it better.
4/17
Everything is set. Well, almost everything. All I have to do is go out.
***
(Went back home)
As I was saying in my journal, I went back home to get my real analysis modules. Give Nanay money for the internet bill plus some extra. Petted the cats but they were still asleep. At least, most of them. Only snow recognized me but he went back to sleep. They ran out of cat food so I hope they're being fed. Maybe I will buy them cat food next month.
I was planning to stay there for the whole day. But when I got there, I kind of felt left out. Like there's no space for me there anymore. So I left. Because I felt some awkwardness.
I spoke to my sister. I asked her where Nanay was. My other sister was still asleep. I think it's for the best. Not really forgiveness per se. But it's a start.
Why do I care about other people's opinions so much? Why is there a need to impress? The need for validation?
***
Speaking of academics, next week we will have four subjects already. Four! I made some progress with my algebra report. The first lemma about the stabilizer. It's finished except I'm not sure if the rank of an invertible matrix is really equal to the sum of the ranks of the diagonal.
This chair is unstable. I can't put my weight on it. Same with the table. I can't lean on it. So I can't slouch. At least, not as much as I want to.
I'm going to buy a mat so that I can sit on the floor with the blue stand as my table. Again, I can't trust that this chair can hold my weight for long.
I also have to buy water because I'm running out. Maybe tomorrow.
The trash I should also take out early tomorrow morning. When everyone else is still asleep. 3am? Or 1am? 2am? When it’s silent outside. I hope there are no drunks then.
***
Yeah. Reality check. I'm probably just imagining things. Because that's what I want to think. To happen. And I think it's okay to fantasize about something like that as long as I don't act on it.
I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what other people think of me. Does it matter? It does to me. Unfortunately, it does. I wish it didn't.
I think I'm imagining things. Hearing voices when there's none. I think I'm conflating two people for one. Does it really matter? It's a distraction. A mystery that I don't quite want to solve. Not yet. Not ever.
***
Having wet hair is such a hassle. Yeah, you feel relieved from the heat. But you feel sleepy afterwards. But you can't sleep because your hair is still wet. So you wait. and wait.
As I said, such a hassle. I'm not going to wet my hair, if I don't have to go out for a long time. Yeah, that's it.
***
I'm really sorry about that. I don't think I'm the culprit but perhaps I aggravated it? I don't know. I just feel bad, I guess.
***
Maybe it's a ghost. Just a presence which is an amalgamation of the people living here.
It's a distraction. One I haven't anticipated. From my previous apartment, there's that too. But they keep to themselves and I keep to myself, too. But there are way more people here. My curiosity is killing me.
It's like I'm being haunted. You're just not sure if someone is there or it’s just my imagination. I'm losing my mind.
I like thinking of it as a ghost. It's safer that way. Because then it isn't real.
What do you want to happen anyway? I don't know. I don't want anything to happen. I just like knowing that there are other beings living and breathing near me. Beings or just one? Well, you got me.
You're disappointed when people don't see the real you. But you don't allow them to get to know you, anyway. So what gives?
***
Nagbabadya na naman ang ulan. It's gonna rain again. Probably.
***
In the dark, I'm safe. I don't feel exposed. I'm focused. Does that mean that I'm overstimulated by too much light? Huh.
***
The real analysis notes that I got are incomplete. I have to go back home again to get the rest. Maybe bring cat food then.
4/23
I went out today. At around 7am. I went to Kiwalan to buy food. Unfortunately, the ones selling fried chicken were still closed. So I had to buy from the carinderia. I was hoping to eat some veggies.
Anyway, it's good that I did that. Because I immediately wanted to go back to my room. Being in my room is a relief, not a prison. As they say, you don't know how good you have it until it's taken away from you.
I actually am picking up my momentum. The aircon helped in keeping the heat away. Yeah, so that's an update. I should go out often. Maybe thrice a week and on the weekends.
So I'm hungry. I'll eat my lunch now.
I feel humiliated. I feel trapped. I was doing so well in my PhD program that now I feel exposed. I don't even think that my neighbor think I'm dumb. F### them. It's just this fear of being found out. I've been complacent, as I said before.
I feel trapped. I'm going to go crazy if I stay in that room any longer. I can't go back home because "mah pride". And actually there's no place for me there. Where will I sleep? None.
What do I do for fun? Nothing. I mean I could go to "the strip" but it would be weird to go alone. I'll just feel lonely.
I want to take my time but it's raining. It stopped now but it might rain again soon. And I hate the rain. I hate getting wet.
I could buy rice if I still feel like it. But first I must eat. Big dipper?
I need to get out of here. Someone might recognize me.
0424 April 2022 (I don’t know if the year is right. Is it from 2021? I probably messed it up.)
The tyranny of the night. When you can't do anything.
*
I dread going out and coming in on my previous apartment. For fear of bumping into other people.
I can't go out whenever I want. I had to go out early in the morning. Which was hard!
*
I can love alright! I care!
The question is: does it matter?
I've grown cynical. I've grown numb.
*
I'm sleepy. I think that's a good thing.
So that I can rest for tomorrow.
4/28
Over a damn pause! Anyway...
I hate that I'm dislodged over the smallest things. A curveball will put me over the rails. And I have to spend at least a day to recover from it.
I can't stand silence but I have to be silent. To be invisible. To not draw attention. But oh, you want attention. You just gotta be subtle about it.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm here for. This is something that I haven't anticipated. Losing motivation.
When you're not as free to go out as you want, this is not really any different than before. Except that I don't have a support system anymore. My human interaction has gone down to almost zero. I'm actually looking forward to classes because that's the only social interaction I get!
In a way this is worse than my previous apartment. Before the fight. Because I can go back home anytime I want. But if I want to move out of Iligan, then this is most likely what's gonna happen, right? Can I survive that?
Can I survive this?
***
Just went out to get some sun and some food. And to see some people. That felt good.
***
I'm not really regretting anything. Just rethinking what matters. What really matters to me? I don't know. Is it collaboration? Competition? Money? Stability? What?
***
They don't know me at all. They think they know, but they don't. They think they have leverage. But I can live without that. I'll try to. I'll live.
I'll survive.
5/26
So here's the deal.
I'm losing motivation. I don't even know if I had motivation in the first place.
I was feeling suffocated in my apartment. Lonely, yeah. And I have this "complicated" relationship with my neighbor. Complicated because it's probably just in my head.
So what do I do now? Hmm?
I only really have four subjects. And one of them is ending soon.
Seminar in algebra. I just have to type it out. Actually, as soon as I get there, I'll do it.
Maningkamot ta kay pobre ta. Kung gusto ta nga mahayahay atong kinabuhi, maningkamot. Kung gusto ta nga i-maintain ang atong lifestyle, maningkamot. Kung gusto ta nga mas mo better pa atong lifestyle, maningkamot.
Oo, naay karapatan nga ma-depress. Of course. Pero dili ta padala ana. Dili ta ka afford ana. Not now. Grind if we must. Bahalag sumo na kaayo.
(I like this keyboard. I should buy something like this.)
So yeah. I should take care of myself at least. Eat at the right time. Have some sort of a routine. Don't overthink shit.
People don't care about you!
So with that said, let's go back there. I don't know if I'll call it home. I'm certainly comfortable there. Too comfortable in fact. But I wouldn't call it home.
This is still home.
I don't really have privacy there. I can't talk over things because the neighbors might hear. I have to turn on the aircon to make some noise.
Why do I care? Why do I care what people think huh? Are they paying my salary? No. So why?
I don't know. I think I have a tendency to try to impress others. To get involved in business that I'm not in any way involved. I get easily attached. And then I get into fantasyland.
The focus that I was hoping wasn't there. I have to drown them out.
That's it.
There was a time that I was praying for all of this. But now that I have it (I'm 1/3 of the way in) I complain. I'm more than 33% done. If I finish this semester then I'll be 50% done. I'll be halfway there. I just have to endure.
Don't let the pressure get to you.
I don't know the deal with that anyway. Like where did that come from? I feel like I can't mess up. The expectations are too high! I think that's why I have to disappoint them early on so that the pressure won't get to me anymore.
And then I'll be free.
Free to mess up. And free to try. To fail. And try again. And fail again.
I have permission to fail. And see the wrong in my ways.
Accountability.
I have a family. Kinda. Family of dogs and cats.
I want a better life for myself and my family. So I have to endure.
I just hope post-PhD life is better. And even if it's not, I just have to focus on the short-term. Pass the exams. Pass the semester. Pass the compre.
Those are the main things. Let's just do it one thing at a time. Otherwise things will overwhelm me.
It's a privilege to be doing this. It's a privilege to be doing something I love. Or used to love. Doesn't matter.
I am privileged.
And although I learn that it's not as I hoped it would be, I have to carry on. Because I committed to it.
That's why I don't make long-term commitments. But here I am.
I think that's what love is. Committing to someone no matter what happens. Doing everything to make it work.
I wouldn't know (Hehe).
What do I know, really? I give up at the smallest conflict. I make mountains out of molehill. I'm narcissistic. I think everything is about me.
That's what started this conflict with my sisters.
Forgiveness.
I thought it was hard to forgive. It was actually harder not to. Holding on to resentment because you thought your ego was bruised. Drinking your own poison. And for what? To preserve your pride?
It was not a way to live. I learned that the hard way. I learned so much these past two months.
I've been through a lot. Some of my own doing. So I gotta carry on.
Maybe that's why I'm losing steam. Because I spent it on things that have nothing to do with academics.
I spent it on familial conflicts. I spent it on caring about my neighbor's business. I shouldn't have done that. But here I am. Caring more than I should have.
There's a lesson there somewhere.
Although it's good to have an ear on the ground. For emergencies and robberies. But keep the unnecessary data out.
In closing, I'd just like to say that this has been refreshing. I needed a change of scene. New stimuli. And I got it.
I should do it more often. Maybe twice a month?
Sightseeing. Not just in this house but maybe in parks. Children's park. Centennial park. Children's park is closer.
Yeah. I think that's it for now.
I shouldn't pretend that nothing is wrong. Something is wrong! But I shouldn't 100% believe what my brain is telling. Because it is often wrong.
I think oftentimes it is because of physiology. What I mean is, if I skip my meals. Then I'll feel like shit. So I should not skip my meals. Prep in advance if I have to.
That's it for now. Ciao!
6/12
There is still hope!
I refuse to quit. F### this.
I'll finish this semester out of spite!
I think I hate math. I want to throw up.
***
But I gotta finish what I started.
Because I committed to it!
***
If I go out, what's my agenda?
Buy food, and then?
Buy groceries, drink. And then?
I guess that's it?
***
There's no sense of urgency. I hate to be holed up here but I can't be bothered to get out.
I can't be bothered to take the steps to go out.
What are the steps?
1. Prepare the money.
2. Wash your face.
3. Change your clothes.
4. Get out.
***
I went out. That was good.
I got a new stimulus. I've come to resent this place.
It's like I'm admitted to a mental institution. Or solitary confinement. That's how I imagine it to be.
***
There's still hope.
I have to impress somehow. Not perfect. But I have to understand the concepts well for me to pass.
I'm lucky if I pass.
I'm tired of being cooped up in this place. Surrounded by strangers.
With my neighbor having people over, I'm much more likely to run into strangers.
I wanna go home.
At least then I can work at night. And not be conscious of making noise.
And I can go out whenever I want.
I can see the sunrise. At least in my last place I was able to do this.
And I can look out the window. See Robinsons there.
There's pros and cons to a place. At least then I was able to focus on studying.
Here I can't.
Or I'm probably just making excuses.
It's sterile. It's lonely.
I hate it here. After five months, I realized that.
My goal was to review for the compre. And I never accomplished that.
Five months.
It's alright. I still have more than one month to review.
There's still time.
I'm not going to reply to the group chat. Because I'm not ready.
I haven't reviewed for compre, as I said.
***
I don't think I'm 'that' good. But I don't blame him for thinking that though. I can see why he would think that.
I love research. Not so much coursework.
I understand it's important. I just can't care as deeply.
Maybe because I can't contribute to it?
Similar to memorizing a bunch of facts that you may never use.
***
So you want to go home?
Just bring the basics. For a 2-3 day stay.
Worry about the other stuff later.
***
6/12
I hope I survive this.
I'm rooting for me.
I'm cleaning up my own mess. Maybe a childish part of me. Maybe a lazy part of me.
It's funny that I treat other people better than myself.
(The aftermath)
That happened. (complex/proba)
And the worst thing is that it's still not done. I'm exhausted.
I don't want this kind of life. I hate it.
I've never felt so isolated. This is hell.
This is what I imagine hell would be.
Just endless days of nothingness.
Where nothing happens. Or worse than nothing. I'm in limbo.
We'll see what happens. And I gotta deal with the consequences then.
For now, I gotta do what I gotta do.
What?
I'm having doubts about my own abilities.
So that's all it takes, huh? I just have to answer the exercises. Check the solutions from the solutions manual. So simple yet I was not able to do.
Because I was cramming.
I'm so sorry that it has come to this. I'll try to amend it. Rectify it. Don't know if I can.
But I gotta do what I gotta do.
I don't wanna be poor. Privacy is expensive. I treasure my privacy so I can't be poor.
I'll just worry about it when it happens.
I'll cross the bridge when I get there.
***
Abog lang sa kalibotan.
My future is uncertain now. I've never been shaken like this before.
Maybe in my first year first semester. But then COVID happened and we all got passing grades.
This is different somehow. I can't change the past though. I can't fix what happened. What I have NOT done.
But it makes me rethink what the point of education is. And if I want to perpetuate the same when I go back to teaching.
I'd rather work in industry (if I can).
6/13
I hate that there's a time limit to learning. I know I fucked up but the general idea of that doesn't sit well with me.
What if I realized/looked up the answers after the exam, and I understood it? Isn't that learning?
I'll cross the bridge when I get there.
***
Life is all about deadlines.
But the ultimate deadline is what really matters.
***
Do people matter to me? Are there people who I care about? I wonder..
6/17
Don't squander time.
***
Yeah, about that. I need to study for our probability orals tomorrow.
I don't know what to expect. But based on our orals in functional, I need to memorize definitions and theorems with names.
I don't know where to start...
I still have two slides that I haven't read fully.
I'll do it last. Or alternate. Whatever. Whatever feels right.
***
The privilege of being a professor is that you don't have to memorize shit anymore. At least not word for word.
It comes naturally via teaching the same thing over and over again. Might even be during preparation.
6/19
Where is that confidence coming from?
When somebody believes in you more than you do yourself.
***
I'm in no hurry. I'll stay here for as long as I like. Too many things on my mind.
What do these professors see in me? That they expect so much from me?
Is it just one isolated data point? Or is there a pattern here?
Don't know why. But it bothers me. I need to write about it. Can't have it swirling in my mind. I'll go mad.
One thing at a time.
Don't overthink it.
6/24
I'm nervous. This might be the last time that I'm enjoying my scholarship.
Ugh.
My family knows so there's no pressure in that. But my mother is hinting that if I fail, it’s okay if all three of us failed. And I doubt that.
I doubt they've been as careless as me.
What do I do now? Yeah, just focus on those three things.
I can't get myself to review for compre when my future is still uncertain. I guess I can't get myself to invest in something which is not sure?
Do I think it's a waste of time? Or is it sunk cost fallacy?
Do I really want this?
Research gets me excited. But coursework not so much. Unless I see how relevant it is to my research, I guess.
The problem is: I don't know what my research is about. That will have to wait.
I'm broken. I've noped out of life, kinda.
Two days of moping is enough, I think. Now it's time to be proactive for what's to come.
If I fail one of the subjects, or fail to get the necessary GPA, what then?
Life doesn't end there. I've been there before. Made the same mistake.
It's just now that the stakes are higher. Or is it?
Maybe it's all in my head.
I could always go back to teaching. High school. Or college. I'm very much qualified.
I'm bracing for impact.
I could chastise myself for being lazy. For not being quick to adjust. Not being resourceful enough, etc. etc.
But it's done. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it.
I just have to wait for the verdict.
In four days!
I couldn't even make myself sit in this chair. It's too hot. It's too cold. Excuses.
So anytime I sit on this chair is a win.
***
How do I feel about my scholarship possibly ending?
6/25
When things are going great with my life, I actually forget to journal. Because I'm too busy.
When things are so bad, I actually can't get myself to journal. Heh. But that's probably when I need to do it the most.
6/26
In a way I'm grateful for the noise out front because I don't feel alone. Or conscious of making noise myself.
I'm so unfocused that I'd need a pomodoro or forest app to get started.
I'm easily overwhelmed by it all. I feel helpless. I'm in limbo.
So anytime that I sit on this chair is a win. Even though I get no work done yet.
I'm having an existential crisis. If math is not for me, then what is?
I'm not good with people. But they're fun. Maybe I could learn to deal with them? How they work is fascinating. It's like watching a play. Every person has a role.
And the manager is the conductor of the orchestra.
***
So tomorrow I'm going to buy a mop. At unicity.
And I also have to take out the laundry. I'm running out of clean clothes.
Earlier I went to lavatronic and they're still open at 7:30pm. I think they're still open until 8pm. That's important information for next time.
There's a bakery in front of unicity right? I could wait there until unicity opens. Or the bakery near chowking. Whichever is available.
Now that I mentioned it, I could make that bakery (near chowking) a tambayan. Just like before. Why haven't I thought of that? Robinsons could also be a tambayan. And maybe Big Dipper. Although it's expensive, hmm. I want something where I can dash and dine. And inexpensive. And where there's minimal people.
Of course Epay's. How could I forget Epay’s. It's ideal outside of lunchtime. It's indoors so I get a bit of privacy.
There's also Mister Donut near Unicity. If it's still there.
I should stay out there during lunch hours. There are a lot of bakeries in the city. There are also coffee shops. But they're too fancy for my taste.
I could do that during the day where it's too hot and then come back at around 5-6pm. Where it's cool in the room already.
I'm excited to try it. I'm excited to explore the city.
***
About that plan.
During the day I'm going to study memorize.
During the night (when it's cool), I'm going to organize my notes on notion. Digitize it.
All I have to bring is my phone (fully charged) and some notebook or bond paper to scribble on.
Actually it will help to study out because I can exercise by walking from location to location.
6/27
I'm so bored I'd rather study than do nothing.
The breeze is cold, I like it. It's always cold after rain.
Tomorrow or on Tuesday, the grades will be in. It's out of my hands now.
In a week, classes will start again. That is, if I still have my scholarship by then.
I don't want to be catastrophizing. But surely it's a possibility? I'm not happy with my performance. At all. I know I could have done better.
So here I am again. I'm going to study again.
***
It's like I'm in limbo. I can't purchase anything expensive unless I know that I still have my scholarship. Penny-pinching.
***
What does it say that even journalling is unappealing to me? Hmm?
***
The coffee has gone cold. There are ants in it.
***
So I'll start with real analysis. Because that's what I started with.
I'm going to input the definition of topology because I forgot the definition.
I'm going to finish "digitizing" my notes at least until Real 1.
My earbuds are ready for when there's a noise again.
Let's go team!
I can do this! There's still twenty seconds in my timer. I don't know what to say so...
***
If life has no meaning, I might as well enjoy it. The ups and down. The shame and embarrassment. Laugh when I stumble. When I make a mistake.
What's at stake anyway? Nothing, that's what.
Do I really have nothing to lose?
Do I really want to go back to the way things were (previous job)?
6/30
What can I say? I'm relieved.
I've got my go signal. Compre is a go.
Now I have to do the work.
I have to study.
***
Buy cat + dog food. Then work at home.
Bring laptop.
Buy human food also.
***
The advantage of having digital notes is that I don't have to flip pages searching for definitions or results. I can just look at my outline and click it open/close.
Toogle list ftw!
***
Proving should be done first before memorizing definitions. Because it takes a lot of time.
Of course, the relevant definitions will have to be memorized along the way.
***
I need to thoroughly clean this room later. Late afternoon.
***
Good morning!
Last two meetings for linear programming.
The idea of starting early is still at the back of my mind.
Honestly, if you ask me now I would say no.
But let's see next week. Hopefully, I get going.
I've done some progress. Not much, but progress nonetheless.
So let's just establish some routines.
Actually, the idea of starting early is appealing. It's just that I haven't really made substantial progress in my review.
But now that I'm back at home, I think I could get going.
I've never felt better for a long time.
You could say that I've wasted the last five months (April-June).
But let's move forward from that. No more what ifs.
It's done. Let's reflect on the lessons later. The expensive experiment part II.
I still have some time left. More than a month.
That's enough time to establish habits and routines.
I've had some days in the sun. I've seen the scenery.
I've been to the rooftop. It was refreshing. I missed it.
I missed being able to roam around.
It's like I've been out from prison.
A self-imposed one.
The reality is I could go out whenever I want.
Without running into the neighbors (strangers).
At least here, they will leave me alone.
This is the transition period.
Yes, it's hot. Yes, I'm adjusting.
But I'm optimistic.
I've never been this productive in a long while.
That alone is an indicator that I've made the right choice.
Let's just take it one day at a time.
I still have 20+ days left before I need to move out.
I'll worry about that next week.
I'd like to get started on writing that separator article.
I'll worry about that next week.
I'd like to think about whether I'm ready to start early with research.
I'll think about that next week.
For now, I just have two things to worry about.
(1) Stochastic exam on the 13th
(2) LP paper to be passed on the 17th.
That's it!
Everything else can wait.
8/12
Eat your pride and just look at solutions.
You're running out of time. Tomorrow is the day. And we have..
***
I like the breeze here. Although it's silaw (glare).
***
I already have a dissertation topic!!!
I'm terrified but excited.
Magamit ra pud biya ang stocha ang proba hehehe
All the more reason to study for proba
I mean stocha
***
Shit just got real.
Hahaha
Good morning!
I'm going back to the pad today.
To get some stuff. And the laundry.
And to withdraw 10K for the mattress.
Buy some food. That's it!
Probably won't take an hour.
Except I'd like to wash the remaining clothes.
At most two hours.
But first let me eat some breakfast.
***
Review short five lemma (linear algebra)
8/13
It's fun to try to predict the future.
Because it's almost always inaccurate.
So what do I feel about tomorrow?
I am not prepared, at all.
What I'm going to do is to organize my notes in a way that's easy to find.
Since our exam is open book, internet, etc.
Time is the only limit. Two hours.
***
Don't worry about tomorrow.
For tomorrow will worry about itself.
***
Instead of thinking that things can go wrong...
What if we start with thinking that things could go right.
***
I'm not that worried about the research because I'm not that afraid to be exposed (to be incapable).
At least not as much as I used to.
I've been humbled. I've been exposed, in some way.
What they think of me is not up to me.
I don't have to live up to some expectations that they have.
I just have to do the work, that's it.
Be a student.
How many times have you thought that a subject is hard only to realize later that it was easier than you thought?
***
Let me talk about how my mental health has improved when I moved back home.
I just installed notepad++ in the PC.
The Dark Mode is quite different.
Maybe because of the brightness setting.
***
I just thought about the importance of being given a topic.
A relevant one.
This is in relation to the question of "why wasn't it well-studied?"
This is just a guess.
I mean for you to be able to know this problem, you have to be quite entrenched in white noise analysis.
Otherwise, you wouldn't even be aware of it.
How would you know where to look?
Where to point?
And thus I realize the importance of being given a topic, and hence an adviser.
Because before, I chose my own topic. Did everything by myself. My adviser was my facilitator.
So I never had to ask for a topic.
And now here we are.
***
8/14
This is not fun. This is boring.
But we gotta work.
***
I don't know where to start..
Do I even want to graduate? That is the question.
I'm not in a hurry to graduate.
Not really excited to go out in the real world yet.
Just wanna have fun.
***
The main task for today is to write the results and discussion.
And I'm procrastinating.
Maybe later when my hair gets dry.
***
Fuck what they think
I'm not here to please them
I'm here to learn!
But there's an impulse to impress
Why is that?
***
I'm surprised but only momentarily.
Reading a bit about it now, it seems interesting.
All of the subjects I've taken can be used for this...
***
Here's the deal.
I know I should get started writing on the results and discussions sections.
But my mind keeps going back to how to solve the problem using simple or dual simplex methods.
***
8/15
Halfway through the month. And still no significant progress in compre.
I should schedule it now.
I also plan to outline our LP paper in latex. So that I already have a skeleton of it and I only have to fill in the details later. It's basically a cut and paste job.
Put the references in Mendeley.
I should also outline the research problem on Hida's whiskers.
Create a separate notion page for it.
I should also clean up my notes and put them in evernote.
***
I was thinking of going back to the pad. But I still haven't recovered from my cold, although I can smell things now.
***
The one thing I can appreciate about having a laptop is that I can bring it anywhere.
If I feel stuck, I can just bring it anywhere.
8/18
Hello there!
I'm planning to go out today early morning.
Yep, can't get my sandals.
I have to wait for the parentals to wake up.
***
I lost my charger by the way.
Don't know where I put it or if someone took it.
Nonetheless, I need to buy a new charger or a new realme phone, if necessary.
***
First, I want to find the dissertation page in Notion.
Then, I want to read the AIC of each papers.
Then, I'm going to outline my separator article.
I'm not used to not having the phone with me.
I feel paralyzed.
But maybe it's a good experiment.
To try to live without my phone.
Buy a wrist watch.
8/19
I need another freewriting session. I’m stressed.
Stressed with the situation at home.
Stressed with our LP paper feedback.
Stressed with not understanding my dissertation topic.
Stressed with not having started the compre review in algebra.
I’m overwhelmed.
Can I have a break for once?
A real one?
***
What’s been bothering me?
I also need to clean up the pad.
The ants have taken over while I was gone.
The grades are in. I’m relieved.
I’ll view the message in the morning.
I mean around 6-8am. It doesn’t matter anyway.
Summer classes are over.
That’s what matters.
***
It’s so cold. But I can’t turn off the aircon just yet.
Maybe around 4am. When the world is slowly waking up.
For now what?
I don’t know. I was worried sick.
And I’m doubting my decision to move back home.
I have to harden my resolve.
Be mentally prepared for what's to come.
Next time I go here I need to bring an extra shirt.
And a jacket. This place is cold. (Robinsons food court)
So it’s a feasible place.
The Al Fresco not so much because it’s not near a comfort room. (Actually it is, I just didn’t know it then)
And I pee frequently. UTI probably.
Anyway, I met with my advisers.
And I still haven’t read all the references.
So that’s what I’m going to do later when I get back.
I'm planning to just go back to change shirts.
And then I’m going to Kaffii break.
Or I could test it now when I get back.
Whatever works.
I also have to write about what happened in our linear programming class.
Especially our article.
Greg has been so proud of it. And I understand him if he’s disappointed.
Anyway…
I just have to be a bit more prepared next time
Iteration
8/21
And while I'm in this state, I can't do anything else.
Not compre
Not the dissertation
I could download anaconda though
But maybe it's time to buy a new laptop?
8/22
It’s Sunday. Tomorrow I’m going to get my things. I have to get there early to pack.
I’ve just been sleeping all day. My body was sore.
So I just woke up to pee. And then went back to sleep.
I finally woke up late in the afternoon
Apparently my body needed that. Even though I’ve also been sleeping in the pad.
***
I plan to go through the proof for the Fundamental theorem of algebra today.
Just to get started in algebra.
Anywhere. Somewhere.
Doesn’t matter.
I'm basically killing time.
Waiting for 5am.
Why not study in the meantime?
Notion is good for my “ADHD” brain.
I can just hide things under a toggle and poof it doesn't overwhelm me anymore.
I don’t know if I’m really studying.
It seems that I’m just copying text.
Digitizing them.
I don’t feel like I learned anything.
That I struggled.
Anyway, the important thing is active recall.
8/25
It smells good.
Probably the neighbors breakfast.
Anyway, we had a meeting yesterday.
About my dissertation.
And I'm kind of relieved that I'm not expected to know everything right away.
But I still have to refresh on the fundamentals.
Like the definition of a Hilbert space, dense set, etc.
And what is an algebra?
***
It's the 25th. And today is Futorny's lecture.
Time flies so fast. I have to plan what to do with it.
But not too much or I'll be stuck.
I still have to finish the python course.
I still have to read that 20-page paper.
I still have to print the first lecture for Numerics (I forgot).
Or I could just read it on the phone (nah)
It's better to write on it.
I still have to clean the pad. But when?
It's easy to get overwhelmed.
Let's do it one step at a time.
I'd like to write that separator paper.
Maybe 30 minutes to an hour.
And of course, the compre review!!!
The most important one
Don't forget it
Plan it, or randomize it
Based on familiarity
I need to get started on linear algebra
***
I also need to unpack my things
But I can start with the compre materials
The rest will have to follow.
I'm much more comfortable to write here.
Although it's on my bed, so what?
Or maybe because it's on my bed, so soft and comfy.
8/30
It's the last two days of August. And I still haven't studied for compre.
I should do it 10-minutes at a time.
I'm easily distracted today (or always).
But I've been busy the past few days.
Moving out and returning the keys.
Lifting heavy things and my body aching all over.
I just haven't found the right timing
Excuses, I know.
My sister's feet is smelly. Or maybe it's mine.
(It's mine. I need to buy new slippers.)
8/31
You could think of the pandemic as a curse.
Or you could think of it as a blessing in disguise.
A perfect storm of opportunities.
Think about it.
Would W.B. be your adviser otherwise?
If he was not your functional analysis instructor?
9/2
"I'm frustrated with my lack of progress in compre" (4/12/2021)
Isn't that a recurring theme by now?
I'm sick of it, honestly.
***
This concludes the Living alone series. I moved back home in September 2021. But it was a really interesting experience, albeit an expensive one.
So I moved to an apartment in San Miguel, Iligan City from April 2021 to September 2021.
4/10
My plans were derailed. There was a fire somewhere near. I was already dragging my feet before then. But that really put a dent on my plans.
Maybe I should drink coffee in the mornings to wake up.
They were talking about the previous occupant. Apparently, it's someone they know. And he was robbed twice. Sometimes, you just gotta put your ear in the ground. I mean nothing happened. But it could have. And I don't know what to do if it happened to me.
As I said, it derailed my plans.
I could go out now but I'll just do it tomorrow. Maybe drink some tea in the meantime? Later at 7pm.
That's the thing about me. I don't bounce back easily. But these things don't happen everyday. It's my first time actually witnessing a fire that close. I've never seen it. Only heard from the others.
That's life. It throws you curveballs. You just gotta be resilient.
Tea? What about Milo? Hmm. So that you can drink more (water).
***
Yesterday I was productive typing up our homework for functional analysis. But it was quite stressful. I plan to have that kind of productivity minus the stress. Build my stamina for studying for a long time.
***
Let's talk about clothes because that seems to be a limiting factor. I have to wear fresh clothes because I suspect that they can smell me from outside. Because I can smell when someone wears a strong perfume, for example.
You know, buying canned goods and a multi-cooker has saved me a lot of money. Where before, I spent around one thousand pesos every two days for foodpanda, now I only spend maybe 100-200 pesos a day. And I don't finish the whole can in one meal but in two. Maybe for the whole day.
Going out. What's the problem? The problem is that I'm not wearing clothes that's suitable for going out. It's been three days since I went to buy something. Huh. Actually I went out earlier to take out the trash but that's that. I didn't go anywhere far.
This place is interesting. There's a lot of things going on. It's important to keep abreast and be informed of what's going on. But it's also a distraction. If it doesn't affect me directly then it's best to ignore it. I don't have to please anybody. I'm here to focus. But I haven't done any focusing, haven't I?
***
It's raining. That's good because it will hopefully bring down the heat. Not that the heat is bothering me because I need it to dry my clothes. It's manageable.
Yeah. The fire scare really makes me vulnerable. But this is the decision that I made so I'm going to own up to it. I cannot show weakness.
***
There's the concept of work clothes. From 9am-5pm, I could wear work clothes to signal myself that I'm working. And also so that I can go out immediately if I want to. As I said, that's a limiting factor. They have to be presentable but comfortable.
***
The thing with grocery shopping is that it never ends. There's always something missing that I have to buy next. For example, I bought a corned beef that is not easy open. How am I supposed to open it without a knife? Also, I'm planning to cook ampalaya. How am I supposed to cut it without a knife? So yeah, a knife and a chopping board is a must.
***
What next?
Okay. Let's talk about the things that I should do.
In the short-term, there's the seminar in algebra presentation. I plan to finish everything in the third round so I don't have anything to worry about now that the second batch of classes will start next week. Yeah.
The task seems enormous. There's a lot of things to untangle. One, the results are only valid for F2. Anyway, let's take it one result at a time. If there's a result that's hard let's skip for the meantime. Then go back to it when the easy ones are done.
So that's for short-term or the classes I'm taking this semester. There's others but there's no immediate deadlines for them.
Now, let's go to the long-term tasks. I need to get my real analysis notes. Along with my other clothes. I mean, I could print my notes again but I need to buy a printer. I don't want to buy something when I'm not even going to study. So I need a bit first just to prove to myself that the printer's gonna be useful.
Yeah, it's overwhelming. I just gotta pick one topic and start with that. Thinking about the whole thing makes my head spin. It's scary. I go into the worst-case scenarios and that doesn't help.
(Eerily quiet)
4/12
Okay let me document this because this technically happened today (early morning). At around two o'clock in the morning it got eerily quiet. As in you can't hear a single sound. I mean I should be happy with that, right? That's what I wanted. You know, the previous days there were people drinking right outside even in the wee hours in the morning.
But yesterday it was so quiet it was unnerving. I got scared. And then the dogs started to howl. All plans of studying flew out the window. I turned on the aircon to make some background noise. I was trying to sleep but couldn't. I actually did for a while and then woke up with some sleep paralysis of sort. A first in this room.
And then eventually I slept at around 5 o'clock in the morning. Woke up before noon but then went back to sleep. Woke up an hour after and then it was still eerily quiet so went back to sleep again. And again.
I finally stood up at around 2 in the afternoon to wash my body. You know, from stink.
I should have resumed the proof on Lemma 4 but I didn't. I was frustrated with it. I want to get it over with. I think I got bored with it. Okay, I'll just leave it be for now. Go back to it later when I finalize my slides. Have a checklist of things that are finished and things that are not.
One other thing. I think it will help to have some plan a day before. Some agenda on what to do. Because I was focused on this one thing which I didn't want to do anymore, I had nothing else lined up to do. So nothing to wake up to, basically. That's why I just lay on my bed almost all day. Because I had no agenda that day (this day).
So yeah. I think it's a good idea to have some overview of subjects to study for compre. And then pick the ones that are more exciting or relevant.
If nothing else happens and I still have not made any progress, I could just screenshot the definitions onto Anki and study them. At least that's progress. I could also type them out but that takes a lot of time. Which reminds me that the file size will probably get so big and uninstall it in my realme phone if that happens. Not that that's a problem anyway because all my previous cards are deleted, I think. Let's open up Anki to check.
One other thing that I could do is to type out last year's journal entries. It's boring. But if I'm not motivated to study then why not?
***
(Breakdown)
So damn fragile. Triggered by the smallest of things. This is not a way to live. Surely there must be a better way than this. Drown out the noise. You don't need to impress anyone. Comply with the requirements. Make sure you pass your classes. Anything else is a distraction.
Don't feel so bad about yourself. This is your choice, remember? Because instead of dealing with a conflict like a grown adult would, you threw a tantrum. How dare they even for a little bit insinuate that you're not doing enough in the household. Not contributing enough. Apparently, your financial contributions aren't enough. Maybe they were hoping you'd pour all your hard-earned money to them.
Hard-earned? That's funny. Really? Which part is hard? Working hard? You're barely working! And I don't mean to chastise you but this is the truth. I mean, not to your standards. You still haven't missed a deadline, have you? But you will be. If you keep this up.
Maybe a little bit pessimistic, yeah. I'm going crazy. So close to it. I'm having arguments with myself. Maybe I need to eat something. Lest I lose my mind.
The thing with loved ones is that they have the potential to hurt you. If strangers offend you in some way, you feel hurt momentarily. But it will go away eventually. Because you have no expectation that they're supposed to respect you. Or put your needs before their own. No. That's why it doesn't hurt.
Expectations hurt.
Maybe I'm a little bit entitled. That I feel like my siblings should respect me. Because I'm the eldest? Because I contribute financially? On their end, they may feel that I don't contribute enough because I don't do household chores. I'm not expected to. But I don't volunteer anyways. They probably resent that.
I still don't get it. Empathy is hard. It's just easy in theory. But in practice it's hard. Pride gets in the way. Self-preservation. Putting my interests before others. I may have acted without thinking. Maybe looking for the smallest things to get offended about. Anything. I wasn't even directly told off. Maybe a little bit. Just a mention of the term "magulang". Who else is she talking about? I'm the "magulang".
Logically, it's the right move. Who knows a conflict like that won't happen in the future? I already noticed a prelude to it the day before. But I didn't do anything. What was I supposed to do? I have no authority. I really try to avoid conflict.
Bottom line is: their house, their rules. If they can tolerate such conflicts without addressing it, then that's their call. But I can't handle it. I'm already way fragile. The littlest things will trigger me.
I don't know where it stems from. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. That much is true. I have this ideal of myself that I'm responsible. That I can pace myself. I had such a vision. And as days go by, it's becoming apparent that that's not the case. I'm not even close to that ideal. Should I change that ideal? Modify my goal?
I guess part of my frustration is that I have this feeling that my family members think that I have it so good. But that's not the case. I feel immense pressure. I don't want to fail. It's like I'm enjoying all of the benefits but not doing the responsibilities.
How are they supposed to know that, though? I don't communicate. I shut off all means of communication. I refuse to compromise.
I don't even know the point of it all. I'm just going through the motions. I hope it will make sense in the end. This "job" is isolating. And I make it even more so. I shut off my only support system. What now?
How can I cope? Without swallowing my pride?
What even is the issue? We haven't talked about it at all. We haven't addressed the elephant in the room. That's not how we do things.
I could judge my parents about it. But really? Their house, their rules. Could things have been better? Sure. Could I have ended things on a better note? Definitely. But I didn't. Because I don't grovel. Such a fragile ego. What do you want? For them to worship you? You're no god! They've survived before you and they will survive without you. You are not needed anymore! So bring your money with you and do your own thing.
Don't mind the pets. They're dead anyway. They will be. We will all be. So what's the fuss? Like you lost something? You don't own anything. Everything is borrowed.
***
4/13
It's so eerily quiet again. I'm careful to not make any loud noises. At the same time, I'm careful to keep my voice low. This is suboptimal. Because I get self conscious. I often have to talk out loud about the problem to make sense of it. I think hearing yourself say what you're thinking registers it more? Just like the cashier says the amount they are paid? Or Japanese conductors say what they are going to do out loud.
There's a value in talking it out. No matter how weird it is. I didn't really think about it back home. Although I hear my neighbors mention it. I didn't know they could hear me. Home is a safe place.
Here I am among strangers. I'm self conscious about it. Maybe I can turn on the aircon to drown out the noise? But then I get cold so I can't concentrate. That's the trade-off.
I often think that I've been given more credit than I deserve. Maybe it's a kind of imposter syndrome. It's all because of past accomplishments which have nothing to do with what I'm doing now. Maybe a little.
We're treated based on our past, aren't we? I mean that's obvious, but that's not always a good thing. Sure, it can work in our favor. But sometimes it can pressure us to be something we're not. I hope I've learned my lesson by now. Not to think about other people's opinions. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Nobody! Really. They're preoccupied with their own problems.
***
I just remembered something. I remembered that I asked a question about the basis of an mxn matrix over F. I feel so dumb now. This is just me being self conscious.
Who cares what they think? Really. I just have to pass these subjects. Just do your responsibilities and be done with it. Don't let anybody get under your skin. Ever.
***
I'm going on a grocery run. But I need to finalize my grocery list first.
***
So I checked my DBP account and I learned that the ten thousand pesos that I'm saving are no longer there. I suspect that it got deducted on April 7 when I attempted to withdraw it.
Tomorrow morning, at around 8am, I'm going to DBP to inquire about it. Those are the facts.
What do I feel? I feel disappointed. I called my mother because I think I needed someone to talk about it. She asked about it anyway before. She asked me to check my DBP account before. So yeah. That's that.
10K is a lot. That's a lot of food already. Hehe. Yeah. I should at least fight for it. I don't feel so good about it. Even if it was a pleasant surprise at the time. When I learned that that account still has money in it. It was the right timing. And this is a bad omen. A hassle. But I'll find time.
I'm going to lie down and try not to overthink.
***
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to look at the results regarding stabilizer one more time. Maybe 10-20 minutes. Just to see if I get it. If I understand it better.
4/17
Everything is set. Well, almost everything. All I have to do is go out.
***
(Went back home)
As I was saying in my journal, I went back home to get my real analysis modules. Give Nanay money for the internet bill plus some extra. Petted the cats but they were still asleep. At least, most of them. Only snow recognized me but he went back to sleep. They ran out of cat food so I hope they're being fed. Maybe I will buy them cat food next month.
I was planning to stay there for the whole day. But when I got there, I kind of felt left out. Like there's no space for me there anymore. So I left. Because I felt some awkwardness.
I spoke to my sister. I asked her where Nanay was. My other sister was still asleep. I think it's for the best. Not really forgiveness per se. But it's a start.
Why do I care about other people's opinions so much? Why is there a need to impress? The need for validation?
***
Speaking of academics, next week we will have four subjects already. Four! I made some progress with my algebra report. The first lemma about the stabilizer. It's finished except I'm not sure if the rank of an invertible matrix is really equal to the sum of the ranks of the diagonal.
This chair is unstable. I can't put my weight on it. Same with the table. I can't lean on it. So I can't slouch. At least, not as much as I want to.
I'm going to buy a mat so that I can sit on the floor with the blue stand as my table. Again, I can't trust that this chair can hold my weight for long.
I also have to buy water because I'm running out. Maybe tomorrow.
The trash I should also take out early tomorrow morning. When everyone else is still asleep. 3am? Or 1am? 2am? When it’s silent outside. I hope there are no drunks then.
***
Yeah. Reality check. I'm probably just imagining things. Because that's what I want to think. To happen. And I think it's okay to fantasize about something like that as long as I don't act on it.
I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what other people think of me. Does it matter? It does to me. Unfortunately, it does. I wish it didn't.
I think I'm imagining things. Hearing voices when there's none. I think I'm conflating two people for one. Does it really matter? It's a distraction. A mystery that I don't quite want to solve. Not yet. Not ever.
***
Having wet hair is such a hassle. Yeah, you feel relieved from the heat. But you feel sleepy afterwards. But you can't sleep because your hair is still wet. So you wait. and wait.
As I said, such a hassle. I'm not going to wet my hair, if I don't have to go out for a long time. Yeah, that's it.
***
I'm really sorry about that. I don't think I'm the culprit but perhaps I aggravated it? I don't know. I just feel bad, I guess.
***
Maybe it's a ghost. Just a presence which is an amalgamation of the people living here.
It's a distraction. One I haven't anticipated. From my previous apartment, there's that too. But they keep to themselves and I keep to myself, too. But there are way more people here. My curiosity is killing me.
It's like I'm being haunted. You're just not sure if someone is there or it’s just my imagination. I'm losing my mind.
I like thinking of it as a ghost. It's safer that way. Because then it isn't real.
What do you want to happen anyway? I don't know. I don't want anything to happen. I just like knowing that there are other beings living and breathing near me. Beings or just one? Well, you got me.
You're disappointed when people don't see the real you. But you don't allow them to get to know you, anyway. So what gives?
***
Nagbabadya na naman ang ulan. It's gonna rain again. Probably.
***
In the dark, I'm safe. I don't feel exposed. I'm focused. Does that mean that I'm overstimulated by too much light? Huh.
***
The real analysis notes that I got are incomplete. I have to go back home again to get the rest. Maybe bring cat food then.
4/23
I went out today. At around 7am. I went to Kiwalan to buy food. Unfortunately, the ones selling fried chicken were still closed. So I had to buy from the carinderia. I was hoping to eat some veggies.
Anyway, it's good that I did that. Because I immediately wanted to go back to my room. Being in my room is a relief, not a prison. As they say, you don't know how good you have it until it's taken away from you.
I actually am picking up my momentum. The aircon helped in keeping the heat away. Yeah, so that's an update. I should go out often. Maybe thrice a week and on the weekends.
So I'm hungry. I'll eat my lunch now.
I feel humiliated. I feel trapped. I was doing so well in my PhD program that now I feel exposed. I don't even think that my neighbor think I'm dumb. F### them. It's just this fear of being found out. I've been complacent, as I said before.
I feel trapped. I'm going to go crazy if I stay in that room any longer. I can't go back home because "mah pride". And actually there's no place for me there. Where will I sleep? None.
What do I do for fun? Nothing. I mean I could go to "the strip" but it would be weird to go alone. I'll just feel lonely.
I want to take my time but it's raining. It stopped now but it might rain again soon. And I hate the rain. I hate getting wet.
I could buy rice if I still feel like it. But first I must eat. Big dipper?
I need to get out of here. Someone might recognize me.
0424 April 2022 (I don’t know if the year is right. Is it from 2021? I probably messed it up.)
The tyranny of the night. When you can't do anything.
*
I dread going out and coming in on my previous apartment. For fear of bumping into other people.
I can't go out whenever I want. I had to go out early in the morning. Which was hard!
*
I can love alright! I care!
The question is: does it matter?
I've grown cynical. I've grown numb.
*
I'm sleepy. I think that's a good thing.
So that I can rest for tomorrow.
4/28
Over a damn pause! Anyway...
I hate that I'm dislodged over the smallest things. A curveball will put me over the rails. And I have to spend at least a day to recover from it.
I can't stand silence but I have to be silent. To be invisible. To not draw attention. But oh, you want attention. You just gotta be subtle about it.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm here for. This is something that I haven't anticipated. Losing motivation.
When you're not as free to go out as you want, this is not really any different than before. Except that I don't have a support system anymore. My human interaction has gone down to almost zero. I'm actually looking forward to classes because that's the only social interaction I get!
In a way this is worse than my previous apartment. Before the fight. Because I can go back home anytime I want. But if I want to move out of Iligan, then this is most likely what's gonna happen, right? Can I survive that?
Can I survive this?
***
Just went out to get some sun and some food. And to see some people. That felt good.
***
I'm not really regretting anything. Just rethinking what matters. What really matters to me? I don't know. Is it collaboration? Competition? Money? Stability? What?
***
They don't know me at all. They think they know, but they don't. They think they have leverage. But I can live without that. I'll try to. I'll live.
I'll survive.
5/26
So here's the deal.
I'm losing motivation. I don't even know if I had motivation in the first place.
I was feeling suffocated in my apartment. Lonely, yeah. And I have this "complicated" relationship with my neighbor. Complicated because it's probably just in my head.
So what do I do now? Hmm?
I only really have four subjects. And one of them is ending soon.
Seminar in algebra. I just have to type it out. Actually, as soon as I get there, I'll do it.
Maningkamot ta kay pobre ta. Kung gusto ta nga mahayahay atong kinabuhi, maningkamot. Kung gusto ta nga i-maintain ang atong lifestyle, maningkamot. Kung gusto ta nga mas mo better pa atong lifestyle, maningkamot.
Oo, naay karapatan nga ma-depress. Of course. Pero dili ta padala ana. Dili ta ka afford ana. Not now. Grind if we must. Bahalag sumo na kaayo.
(I like this keyboard. I should buy something like this.)
So yeah. I should take care of myself at least. Eat at the right time. Have some sort of a routine. Don't overthink shit.
People don't care about you!
So with that said, let's go back there. I don't know if I'll call it home. I'm certainly comfortable there. Too comfortable in fact. But I wouldn't call it home.
This is still home.
I don't really have privacy there. I can't talk over things because the neighbors might hear. I have to turn on the aircon to make some noise.
Why do I care? Why do I care what people think huh? Are they paying my salary? No. So why?
I don't know. I think I have a tendency to try to impress others. To get involved in business that I'm not in any way involved. I get easily attached. And then I get into fantasyland.
The focus that I was hoping wasn't there. I have to drown them out.
That's it.
There was a time that I was praying for all of this. But now that I have it (I'm 1/3 of the way in) I complain. I'm more than 33% done. If I finish this semester then I'll be 50% done. I'll be halfway there. I just have to endure.
Don't let the pressure get to you.
I don't know the deal with that anyway. Like where did that come from? I feel like I can't mess up. The expectations are too high! I think that's why I have to disappoint them early on so that the pressure won't get to me anymore.
And then I'll be free.
Free to mess up. And free to try. To fail. And try again. And fail again.
I have permission to fail. And see the wrong in my ways.
Accountability.
I have a family. Kinda. Family of dogs and cats.
I want a better life for myself and my family. So I have to endure.
I just hope post-PhD life is better. And even if it's not, I just have to focus on the short-term. Pass the exams. Pass the semester. Pass the compre.
Those are the main things. Let's just do it one thing at a time. Otherwise things will overwhelm me.
It's a privilege to be doing this. It's a privilege to be doing something I love. Or used to love. Doesn't matter.
I am privileged.
And although I learn that it's not as I hoped it would be, I have to carry on. Because I committed to it.
That's why I don't make long-term commitments. But here I am.
I think that's what love is. Committing to someone no matter what happens. Doing everything to make it work.
I wouldn't know (Hehe).
What do I know, really? I give up at the smallest conflict. I make mountains out of molehill. I'm narcissistic. I think everything is about me.
That's what started this conflict with my sisters.
Forgiveness.
I thought it was hard to forgive. It was actually harder not to. Holding on to resentment because you thought your ego was bruised. Drinking your own poison. And for what? To preserve your pride?
It was not a way to live. I learned that the hard way. I learned so much these past two months.
I've been through a lot. Some of my own doing. So I gotta carry on.
Maybe that's why I'm losing steam. Because I spent it on things that have nothing to do with academics.
I spent it on familial conflicts. I spent it on caring about my neighbor's business. I shouldn't have done that. But here I am. Caring more than I should have.
There's a lesson there somewhere.
Although it's good to have an ear on the ground. For emergencies and robberies. But keep the unnecessary data out.
In closing, I'd just like to say that this has been refreshing. I needed a change of scene. New stimuli. And I got it.
I should do it more often. Maybe twice a month?
Sightseeing. Not just in this house but maybe in parks. Children's park. Centennial park. Children's park is closer.
Yeah. I think that's it for now.
I shouldn't pretend that nothing is wrong. Something is wrong! But I shouldn't 100% believe what my brain is telling. Because it is often wrong.
I think oftentimes it is because of physiology. What I mean is, if I skip my meals. Then I'll feel like shit. So I should not skip my meals. Prep in advance if I have to.
That's it for now. Ciao!
6/12
There is still hope!
I refuse to quit. F### this.
I'll finish this semester out of spite!
I think I hate math. I want to throw up.
***
But I gotta finish what I started.
Because I committed to it!
***
If I go out, what's my agenda?
Buy food, and then?
Buy groceries, drink. And then?
I guess that's it?
***
There's no sense of urgency. I hate to be holed up here but I can't be bothered to get out.
I can't be bothered to take the steps to go out.
What are the steps?
1. Prepare the money.
2. Wash your face.
3. Change your clothes.
4. Get out.
***
I went out. That was good.
I got a new stimulus. I've come to resent this place.
It's like I'm admitted to a mental institution. Or solitary confinement. That's how I imagine it to be.
***
There's still hope.
I have to impress somehow. Not perfect. But I have to understand the concepts well for me to pass.
I'm lucky if I pass.
I'm tired of being cooped up in this place. Surrounded by strangers.
With my neighbor having people over, I'm much more likely to run into strangers.
I wanna go home.
At least then I can work at night. And not be conscious of making noise.
And I can go out whenever I want.
I can see the sunrise. At least in my last place I was able to do this.
And I can look out the window. See Robinsons there.
There's pros and cons to a place. At least then I was able to focus on studying.
Here I can't.
Or I'm probably just making excuses.
It's sterile. It's lonely.
I hate it here. After five months, I realized that.
My goal was to review for the compre. And I never accomplished that.
Five months.
It's alright. I still have more than one month to review.
There's still time.
I'm not going to reply to the group chat. Because I'm not ready.
I haven't reviewed for compre, as I said.
***
I don't think I'm 'that' good. But I don't blame him for thinking that though. I can see why he would think that.
I love research. Not so much coursework.
I understand it's important. I just can't care as deeply.
Maybe because I can't contribute to it?
Similar to memorizing a bunch of facts that you may never use.
***
So you want to go home?
Just bring the basics. For a 2-3 day stay.
Worry about the other stuff later.
***
6/12
I hope I survive this.
I'm rooting for me.
I'm cleaning up my own mess. Maybe a childish part of me. Maybe a lazy part of me.
It's funny that I treat other people better than myself.
(The aftermath)
That happened. (complex/proba)
And the worst thing is that it's still not done. I'm exhausted.
I don't want this kind of life. I hate it.
I've never felt so isolated. This is hell.
This is what I imagine hell would be.
Just endless days of nothingness.
Where nothing happens. Or worse than nothing. I'm in limbo.
We'll see what happens. And I gotta deal with the consequences then.
For now, I gotta do what I gotta do.
What?
I'm having doubts about my own abilities.
So that's all it takes, huh? I just have to answer the exercises. Check the solutions from the solutions manual. So simple yet I was not able to do.
Because I was cramming.
I'm so sorry that it has come to this. I'll try to amend it. Rectify it. Don't know if I can.
But I gotta do what I gotta do.
I don't wanna be poor. Privacy is expensive. I treasure my privacy so I can't be poor.
I'll just worry about it when it happens.
I'll cross the bridge when I get there.
***
Abog lang sa kalibotan.
My future is uncertain now. I've never been shaken like this before.
Maybe in my first year first semester. But then COVID happened and we all got passing grades.
This is different somehow. I can't change the past though. I can't fix what happened. What I have NOT done.
But it makes me rethink what the point of education is. And if I want to perpetuate the same when I go back to teaching.
I'd rather work in industry (if I can).
6/13
I hate that there's a time limit to learning. I know I fucked up but the general idea of that doesn't sit well with me.
What if I realized/looked up the answers after the exam, and I understood it? Isn't that learning?
I'll cross the bridge when I get there.
***
Life is all about deadlines.
But the ultimate deadline is what really matters.
***
Do people matter to me? Are there people who I care about? I wonder..
6/17
Don't squander time.
***
Yeah, about that. I need to study for our probability orals tomorrow.
I don't know what to expect. But based on our orals in functional, I need to memorize definitions and theorems with names.
I don't know where to start...
I still have two slides that I haven't read fully.
I'll do it last. Or alternate. Whatever. Whatever feels right.
***
The privilege of being a professor is that you don't have to memorize shit anymore. At least not word for word.
It comes naturally via teaching the same thing over and over again. Might even be during preparation.
6/19
Where is that confidence coming from?
When somebody believes in you more than you do yourself.
***
I'm in no hurry. I'll stay here for as long as I like. Too many things on my mind.
What do these professors see in me? That they expect so much from me?
Is it just one isolated data point? Or is there a pattern here?
Don't know why. But it bothers me. I need to write about it. Can't have it swirling in my mind. I'll go mad.
One thing at a time.
Don't overthink it.
6/24
I'm nervous. This might be the last time that I'm enjoying my scholarship.
Ugh.
My family knows so there's no pressure in that. But my mother is hinting that if I fail, it’s okay if all three of us failed. And I doubt that.
I doubt they've been as careless as me.
What do I do now? Yeah, just focus on those three things.
I can't get myself to review for compre when my future is still uncertain. I guess I can't get myself to invest in something which is not sure?
Do I think it's a waste of time? Or is it sunk cost fallacy?
Do I really want this?
Research gets me excited. But coursework not so much. Unless I see how relevant it is to my research, I guess.
The problem is: I don't know what my research is about. That will have to wait.
I'm broken. I've noped out of life, kinda.
Two days of moping is enough, I think. Now it's time to be proactive for what's to come.
If I fail one of the subjects, or fail to get the necessary GPA, what then?
Life doesn't end there. I've been there before. Made the same mistake.
It's just now that the stakes are higher. Or is it?
Maybe it's all in my head.
I could always go back to teaching. High school. Or college. I'm very much qualified.
I'm bracing for impact.
I could chastise myself for being lazy. For not being quick to adjust. Not being resourceful enough, etc. etc.
But it's done. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it.
I just have to wait for the verdict.
In four days!
I couldn't even make myself sit in this chair. It's too hot. It's too cold. Excuses.
So anytime I sit on this chair is a win.
***
How do I feel about my scholarship possibly ending?
6/25
When things are going great with my life, I actually forget to journal. Because I'm too busy.
When things are so bad, I actually can't get myself to journal. Heh. But that's probably when I need to do it the most.
6/26
In a way I'm grateful for the noise out front because I don't feel alone. Or conscious of making noise myself.
I'm so unfocused that I'd need a pomodoro or forest app to get started.
I'm easily overwhelmed by it all. I feel helpless. I'm in limbo.
So anytime that I sit on this chair is a win. Even though I get no work done yet.
I'm having an existential crisis. If math is not for me, then what is?
I'm not good with people. But they're fun. Maybe I could learn to deal with them? How they work is fascinating. It's like watching a play. Every person has a role.
And the manager is the conductor of the orchestra.
***
So tomorrow I'm going to buy a mop. At unicity.
And I also have to take out the laundry. I'm running out of clean clothes.
Earlier I went to lavatronic and they're still open at 7:30pm. I think they're still open until 8pm. That's important information for next time.
There's a bakery in front of unicity right? I could wait there until unicity opens. Or the bakery near chowking. Whichever is available.
Now that I mentioned it, I could make that bakery (near chowking) a tambayan. Just like before. Why haven't I thought of that? Robinsons could also be a tambayan. And maybe Big Dipper. Although it's expensive, hmm. I want something where I can dash and dine. And inexpensive. And where there's minimal people.
Of course Epay's. How could I forget Epay’s. It's ideal outside of lunchtime. It's indoors so I get a bit of privacy.
There's also Mister Donut near Unicity. If it's still there.
I should stay out there during lunch hours. There are a lot of bakeries in the city. There are also coffee shops. But they're too fancy for my taste.
I could do that during the day where it's too hot and then come back at around 5-6pm. Where it's cool in the room already.
I'm excited to try it. I'm excited to explore the city.
***
About that plan.
During the day I'm going to study memorize.
During the night (when it's cool), I'm going to organize my notes on notion. Digitize it.
All I have to bring is my phone (fully charged) and some notebook or bond paper to scribble on.
Actually it will help to study out because I can exercise by walking from location to location.
6/27
I'm so bored I'd rather study than do nothing.
The breeze is cold, I like it. It's always cold after rain.
Tomorrow or on Tuesday, the grades will be in. It's out of my hands now.
In a week, classes will start again. That is, if I still have my scholarship by then.
I don't want to be catastrophizing. But surely it's a possibility? I'm not happy with my performance. At all. I know I could have done better.
So here I am again. I'm going to study again.
***
It's like I'm in limbo. I can't purchase anything expensive unless I know that I still have my scholarship. Penny-pinching.
***
What does it say that even journalling is unappealing to me? Hmm?
***
The coffee has gone cold. There are ants in it.
***
So I'll start with real analysis. Because that's what I started with.
I'm going to input the definition of topology because I forgot the definition.
I'm going to finish "digitizing" my notes at least until Real 1.
My earbuds are ready for when there's a noise again.
Let's go team!
I can do this! There's still twenty seconds in my timer. I don't know what to say so...
***
If life has no meaning, I might as well enjoy it. The ups and down. The shame and embarrassment. Laugh when I stumble. When I make a mistake.
What's at stake anyway? Nothing, that's what.
Do I really have nothing to lose?
Do I really want to go back to the way things were (previous job)?
6/30
What can I say? I'm relieved.
I've got my go signal. Compre is a go.
Now I have to do the work.
I have to study.
***
Buy cat + dog food. Then work at home.
Bring laptop.
Buy human food also.
***
The advantage of having digital notes is that I don't have to flip pages searching for definitions or results. I can just look at my outline and click it open/close.
Toogle list ftw!
***
Proving should be done first before memorizing definitions. Because it takes a lot of time.
Of course, the relevant definitions will have to be memorized along the way.
***
I need to thoroughly clean this room later. Late afternoon.
***
Good morning!
Last two meetings for linear programming.
The idea of starting early is still at the back of my mind.
Honestly, if you ask me now I would say no.
But let's see next week. Hopefully, I get going.
I've done some progress. Not much, but progress nonetheless.
So let's just establish some routines.
Actually, the idea of starting early is appealing. It's just that I haven't really made substantial progress in my review.
But now that I'm back at home, I think I could get going.
I've never felt better for a long time.
You could say that I've wasted the last five months (April-June).
But let's move forward from that. No more what ifs.
It's done. Let's reflect on the lessons later. The expensive experiment part II.
I still have some time left. More than a month.
That's enough time to establish habits and routines.
I've had some days in the sun. I've seen the scenery.
I've been to the rooftop. It was refreshing. I missed it.
I missed being able to roam around.
It's like I've been out from prison.
A self-imposed one.
The reality is I could go out whenever I want.
Without running into the neighbors (strangers).
At least here, they will leave me alone.
This is the transition period.
Yes, it's hot. Yes, I'm adjusting.
But I'm optimistic.
I've never been this productive in a long while.
That alone is an indicator that I've made the right choice.
Let's just take it one day at a time.
I still have 20+ days left before I need to move out.
I'll worry about that next week.
I'd like to get started on writing that separator article.
I'll worry about that next week.
I'd like to think about whether I'm ready to start early with research.
I'll think about that next week.
For now, I just have two things to worry about.
(1) Stochastic exam on the 13th
(2) LP paper to be passed on the 17th.
That's it!
Everything else can wait.
8/12
Eat your pride and just look at solutions.
You're running out of time. Tomorrow is the day. And we have..
***
I like the breeze here. Although it's silaw (glare).
***
I already have a dissertation topic!!!
I'm terrified but excited.
Magamit ra pud biya ang stocha ang proba hehehe
All the more reason to study for proba
I mean stocha
***
Shit just got real.
Hahaha
Good morning!
I'm going back to the pad today.
To get some stuff. And the laundry.
And to withdraw 10K for the mattress.
Buy some food. That's it!
Probably won't take an hour.
Except I'd like to wash the remaining clothes.
At most two hours.
But first let me eat some breakfast.
***
Review short five lemma (linear algebra)
8/13
It's fun to try to predict the future.
Because it's almost always inaccurate.
So what do I feel about tomorrow?
I am not prepared, at all.
What I'm going to do is to organize my notes in a way that's easy to find.
Since our exam is open book, internet, etc.
Time is the only limit. Two hours.
***
Don't worry about tomorrow.
For tomorrow will worry about itself.
***
Instead of thinking that things can go wrong...
What if we start with thinking that things could go right.
***
I'm not that worried about the research because I'm not that afraid to be exposed (to be incapable).
At least not as much as I used to.
I've been humbled. I've been exposed, in some way.
What they think of me is not up to me.
I don't have to live up to some expectations that they have.
I just have to do the work, that's it.
Be a student.
How many times have you thought that a subject is hard only to realize later that it was easier than you thought?
***
Let me talk about how my mental health has improved when I moved back home.
I just installed notepad++ in the PC.
The Dark Mode is quite different.
Maybe because of the brightness setting.
***
I just thought about the importance of being given a topic.
A relevant one.
This is in relation to the question of "why wasn't it well-studied?"
This is just a guess.
I mean for you to be able to know this problem, you have to be quite entrenched in white noise analysis.
Otherwise, you wouldn't even be aware of it.
How would you know where to look?
Where to point?
And thus I realize the importance of being given a topic, and hence an adviser.
Because before, I chose my own topic. Did everything by myself. My adviser was my facilitator.
So I never had to ask for a topic.
And now here we are.
***
8/14
This is not fun. This is boring.
But we gotta work.
***
I don't know where to start..
Do I even want to graduate? That is the question.
I'm not in a hurry to graduate.
Not really excited to go out in the real world yet.
Just wanna have fun.
***
The main task for today is to write the results and discussion.
And I'm procrastinating.
Maybe later when my hair gets dry.
***
Fuck what they think
I'm not here to please them
I'm here to learn!
But there's an impulse to impress
Why is that?
***
I'm surprised but only momentarily.
Reading a bit about it now, it seems interesting.
All of the subjects I've taken can be used for this...
***
Here's the deal.
I know I should get started writing on the results and discussions sections.
But my mind keeps going back to how to solve the problem using simple or dual simplex methods.
***
8/15
Halfway through the month. And still no significant progress in compre.
I should schedule it now.
I also plan to outline our LP paper in latex. So that I already have a skeleton of it and I only have to fill in the details later. It's basically a cut and paste job.
Put the references in Mendeley.
I should also outline the research problem on Hida's whiskers.
Create a separate notion page for it.
I should also clean up my notes and put them in evernote.
***
I was thinking of going back to the pad. But I still haven't recovered from my cold, although I can smell things now.
***
The one thing I can appreciate about having a laptop is that I can bring it anywhere.
If I feel stuck, I can just bring it anywhere.
8/18
Hello there!
I'm planning to go out today early morning.
Yep, can't get my sandals.
I have to wait for the parentals to wake up.
***
I lost my charger by the way.
Don't know where I put it or if someone took it.
Nonetheless, I need to buy a new charger or a new realme phone, if necessary.
***
First, I want to find the dissertation page in Notion.
Then, I want to read the AIC of each papers.
Then, I'm going to outline my separator article.
I'm not used to not having the phone with me.
I feel paralyzed.
But maybe it's a good experiment.
To try to live without my phone.
Buy a wrist watch.
8/19
I need another freewriting session. I’m stressed.
Stressed with the situation at home.
Stressed with our LP paper feedback.
Stressed with not understanding my dissertation topic.
Stressed with not having started the compre review in algebra.
I’m overwhelmed.
Can I have a break for once?
A real one?
***
What’s been bothering me?
I also need to clean up the pad.
The ants have taken over while I was gone.
The grades are in. I’m relieved.
I’ll view the message in the morning.
I mean around 6-8am. It doesn’t matter anyway.
Summer classes are over.
That’s what matters.
***
It’s so cold. But I can’t turn off the aircon just yet.
Maybe around 4am. When the world is slowly waking up.
For now what?
I don’t know. I was worried sick.
And I’m doubting my decision to move back home.
I have to harden my resolve.
Be mentally prepared for what's to come.
Next time I go here I need to bring an extra shirt.
And a jacket. This place is cold. (Robinsons food court)
So it’s a feasible place.
The Al Fresco not so much because it’s not near a comfort room. (Actually it is, I just didn’t know it then)
And I pee frequently. UTI probably.
Anyway, I met with my advisers.
And I still haven’t read all the references.
So that’s what I’m going to do later when I get back.
I'm planning to just go back to change shirts.
And then I’m going to Kaffii break.
Or I could test it now when I get back.
Whatever works.
I also have to write about what happened in our linear programming class.
Especially our article.
Greg has been so proud of it. And I understand him if he’s disappointed.
Anyway…
I just have to be a bit more prepared next time
Iteration
8/21
And while I'm in this state, I can't do anything else.
Not compre
Not the dissertation
I could download anaconda though
But maybe it's time to buy a new laptop?
8/22
It’s Sunday. Tomorrow I’m going to get my things. I have to get there early to pack.
I’ve just been sleeping all day. My body was sore.
So I just woke up to pee. And then went back to sleep.
I finally woke up late in the afternoon
Apparently my body needed that. Even though I’ve also been sleeping in the pad.
***
I plan to go through the proof for the Fundamental theorem of algebra today.
Just to get started in algebra.
Anywhere. Somewhere.
Doesn’t matter.
I'm basically killing time.
Waiting for 5am.
Why not study in the meantime?
Notion is good for my “ADHD” brain.
I can just hide things under a toggle and poof it doesn't overwhelm me anymore.
I don’t know if I’m really studying.
It seems that I’m just copying text.
Digitizing them.
I don’t feel like I learned anything.
That I struggled.
Anyway, the important thing is active recall.
8/25
It smells good.
Probably the neighbors breakfast.
Anyway, we had a meeting yesterday.
About my dissertation.
And I'm kind of relieved that I'm not expected to know everything right away.
But I still have to refresh on the fundamentals.
Like the definition of a Hilbert space, dense set, etc.
And what is an algebra?
***
It's the 25th. And today is Futorny's lecture.
Time flies so fast. I have to plan what to do with it.
But not too much or I'll be stuck.
I still have to finish the python course.
I still have to read that 20-page paper.
I still have to print the first lecture for Numerics (I forgot).
Or I could just read it on the phone (nah)
It's better to write on it.
I still have to clean the pad. But when?
It's easy to get overwhelmed.
Let's do it one step at a time.
I'd like to write that separator paper.
Maybe 30 minutes to an hour.
And of course, the compre review!!!
The most important one
Don't forget it
Plan it, or randomize it
Based on familiarity
I need to get started on linear algebra
***
I also need to unpack my things
But I can start with the compre materials
The rest will have to follow.
I'm much more comfortable to write here.
Although it's on my bed, so what?
Or maybe because it's on my bed, so soft and comfy.
8/30
It's the last two days of August. And I still haven't studied for compre.
I should do it 10-minutes at a time.
I'm easily distracted today (or always).
But I've been busy the past few days.
Moving out and returning the keys.
Lifting heavy things and my body aching all over.
I just haven't found the right timing
Excuses, I know.
My sister's feet is smelly. Or maybe it's mine.
(It's mine. I need to buy new slippers.)
8/31
You could think of the pandemic as a curse.
Or you could think of it as a blessing in disguise.
A perfect storm of opportunities.
Think about it.
Would W.B. be your adviser otherwise?
If he was not your functional analysis instructor?
9/2
"I'm frustrated with my lack of progress in compre" (4/12/2021)
Isn't that a recurring theme by now?
I'm sick of it, honestly.
***
This concludes the Living alone series. I moved back home in September 2021. But it was a really interesting experience, albeit an expensive one.
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