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I want to dive deep but.. (March 4, 2020)


I think I lack momentum
That's it
I have nothing to be excited about
Because I haven't done enough

As much as I love that there are no classes
I also kinda hate it?
The lack of activity is idk unnerving?
I feel unproductive
like I'm wasting my time

I could spend this time on more productive things
Like what?

Why can't I study deep enough?
Because something is always bothering me at the back of my mind
Responsibilities. Deadlines. Forms. Exams.
What have you

I'd really like to dive deep
I really do
But I know that I would enjoy it very much
To the detriment of other more important work-related things

But I love the boring bits, right?
Repeat that until you believe it

Diving deep means getting lost in the weeds
The minutiae
It's like solving a puzzle or a crime scene
What's going on here?

Clouds and dirt and then back to clouds again
And so on and so forth

Some mathematicians are birds, others are frogs. Birds fly high in the air and survey broad vistas of mathematics out to the far horizon. ... Frogs live in the mud below and see only the flowers that grow nearby. They delight in the details of particular objects, and they solve problems one at a time. - Freeman Dyson

What kind of mathematician am I?
I'm definitely a frog
But I have to situate my research with respect to others
And in that sense I'm a bird

But the fun part is being a frog
That's when you really appreciate the little things

---

I wrote this post before the lockdown. But it's still relevant to quarantine times. 
Now that I have all the time in the world, I'm not nearly as productive. 
I'm running out of excuses. I'm not being hard on myself, no.
We're in the middle of a pandemic. Stress is at an all time high!
The temporary loss of our freedoms is making me uneasy. 
And this is coming from an introvert. It's just enlightening, is all.
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